The Couch Pirates

Brain hole not full of wrestling garbage? If it is, then empty out that science and math and fill it with Part 3. In cased you missed the technology: Part 1 & Part 2




WWE

With the power, exposure, and wealth that the WWE has, there should not be any competing wrestling promotions. There just shouldn’t be any room in the market if the WWE was as awesome as it should be. They have the most air time and they have the deepest pool of talent. There should never be an excuse for a boring feud, much less a boring PPV Main Event. However, every few weeks, they put out more of the same tired nonsense. They cookie cutter every single wrestler down to what a few people in the company think they should be like, and if someone does not A) have the right skin color, or B) does not sell masks to little kids then they will be lucky to even get their hands on a minor title. They need to bring back the Cruiserweight Title, the Hardcore Title and maybe have a Television Title. Their writers are hacks and need all the gold they can get to actually make a compelling drama. Speaking of those writers, the wrestlers are better at it than they are, the WWE should be letting their wrestlers write their own damn promos.

What you have done wrong:

-Almost everything for a company in your position, actually. You have spun your wheels for way too long, and you deserve for TNA to pull it together and knock you off your pedestal. The RAW Guest GM gimmick was good from a marketing stand point but entirely flawed in implementation. Your Guest GMs needed to match two out of three qualifications for them to be successful: 1) be associated with the wrestling business, 2) be charismatic, or 3) actually care about being there. Very few of the actual participants met one, if even any of these qualifications. Ted DiBiase, Shaq, Freddy Prince, and Brett Hart are the only ones that come to mind. Just every once in a while, maybe once every two years even, I would like to see a RAW PPV Main Event that does not involve Cena, HHH, or Orton. I really do not have anything against any of the guys; your programming is just too saturated with them. You need to learn how to promote stables properly. I mean DX always was second fiddle to n.W.o. and a lot of that was just promotion. You have to give your wrestlers more freedom on the mic. Not everyone is going to be The Rock or Jericho, but you have some guys with great mic skills being hampered by substandard writing. You need the organic feel to a lot of their promos. As it is, there are no surprises when wrestlers are speaking; we can see everything coming from a mile away.

What you did right:

-CM Punk’s ‘dirty messiah’ heel gimmick is Golden. This is one of the more refreshing pieces of Smackdown, and I get the feeling that he has more free reign with the microphone than most others. Keep this going. Never let it stop.

How you messed it up:

-He has got to have a long and conniving Title reign that angers the crowd every time he wins. This needs to happen soon. He needs to headline Wrestlemania and get the most underhanded, cheap win you can conjure. For once, you need to let a heel’s persona ‘ruin’ the main event, instead of your unimaginative and rote booking. Do not let the SES go the route of Right to Censor, stuck in a mid-card routine. CM Punk has the ability to shine for decades, like the Million Dollar Man or JBL, let him.

What you did right:

-You finally let some groups form stables and have active roles in the show. For as stupid as the Spirit Squad gimmick was, it was wrestling stupid, and could have been utilized much more effectively. Since then, you have allowed the formation of The Legacy and now the Nexus. These are good moves for your company and gives your dullard writing staff some blunt instruments to use.

How you messed up:

-The Legacy was the all time dumbest stable featuring a big time star. They did nothing for Orton the whole time they were together. They had almost no impact on anything. And to make matters worse, you did not even use the group to spin Ted and Cody off into huge singles careers. I understand that Ted may have a stable in the works, and bringing back the Million Dollar belt is the right kind of nostalgia. But I just do not have faith that you will push him properly since you did not strike when the iron was hot. The Nexus is going well, but I estimate you should get at least three main eventers out of this: Barret, Gabriel, and Otunga. Craft the group and their actions correctly, and these guys can make it.
What you did right:

-Push Jack Swagger, push Jack Swagger, push Jack Swagger. I was pleasantly surprised that he was not the first MITB winner to successfully cash in the contract. In 2009, besides the Undertaker vs HBK Wrestlemania match, Swagger vs Christian on ECW was the best match of the year. This guy has the size, the technique and the charisma despite a speech impediment. He is like a tall Kurt Angle; I would be surprised if Big Daddy Vince has not tried to ‘service’ him on one or ten occasions.

How you messed it up:

-Just recently, you spent weeks having Swagger decimate the Smackdown roster. You had him injure the Big Show and the Champion, Rey Mysterio. He had everyone running scared. And then all of a sudden you have this machine cowering in a room, terrified of Kane. Come on people, I cannot tell you how sick I am of the dominant, badass heel all of a sudden cowered by someone. A person can be unethical, competent and confident. You should try having a character like this every once in a while. You know, someone that everyone hates but won’t back down from Kane, or Undertaker, or Big Show, or HHH, or the Great Khali. And just a reminder, Swagger is huge. You can have Mysterio retain in a sensible way, not by overpowering one of the most athletically gifted guys in the company. Mysterio is a midget. If you want him to win so you can sell masks to little kids and Spanish speaking people, then I understand completely. You are running a business. However, you also need to provide a coherent product. You can’t act like the 619 hurts anyone over 6’3” and you can’t have Mysterio winning with strength moves. You can’t have Mysterio’s opponents try moves they never use just so he can hit his spots and get his pop. That is the inherent problem with maintaining believability and having the big title on him; Mysterio winning matches against big guys can only be pushed so far. If he wants to continue beating people, he has to hit crazy, amazing spots that make him worth being in the main event. As it is now, Mysterio brings nothing special to the performance and he is just a representation of pandering to a minority audience. Hispanic people should feel patronized.

What you did right:

-The Money in the Bank matches at the PPV were surprisingly well done. Considering the way you have treated him in the past, Kane would have been the last guy I picked to win the Smackdown contract, and the crowd really reacted well to it. I was ecstatic when the Miz won the RAW contract. The Miz has been a huge surprise over the last few years. Every week, he puts in the best segment on RAW. Every week, he puts in the best segment on NXT. He is one of the best and is completely under utilized.

How you messed it up:

-Well, I can say I was pretty happy Kane won, but we all know the Undertaker is on his way back to take it from him. So, congratulations WWE, you successfully neutered the Big Red Machine with another short title run. I have a terrible, terrible nightmare that The Miz is going to be the first unsuccessful MITB winner. What you should have done or what he should do is cash it in on Cena right after he wins the title and he should probably be the secret Nexus mastermind. You should let it drag out for a long time, keep Cena away from the title, do it for as long as you can keep heat on The Nexus, then spring them on Cena right after he wins the strap, then The Miz comes out and cashes in the contract. The bigger the PPV the better.

What you did right:
-You have done a good job of dangling young talent out there for a bit, mostly out of necessity. You have recently pushed Sheamus, CM Punk, Jack Swagger, The Miz, Kofi Kingston, the Hart Dynasty, Drew McIntyre and set up the NXT show. This is what you need to be constantly doing to take the most advantage of your gulf of talent.

How you messed it up:

-Sheamus never beat any one of any status during his first title run, yet he was supposed to be some kind of destroyer. He has at least gotten to beat mid-card guys during this title run. Keep it up. You should even make it look like he is the leader of The Nexus for a while. You missed the boat on Kofi when he was for some reason single handedly destroying The Legacy, and I doubt Big Daddy Vince will ever look his way again. Drew McIntyre will indeed be a future champion; he looks like a young HHH. You haven’t messed him up yet, but I did expect him to win the Smackdown MITB match. The NXT show is mostly good and in a lot of ways my favorite show every week. However, the reality show crap has got to go. They do not need all these stupid competitions to establish fake immunity. If you want them to have contrived competitions then have them be wrestling related. The Nexus was a great result of this show and an unexpected one. The guys eliminated from the second season had better join up with The Nexus soon. I am thinking Summerslam, otherwise the whole motivation of the group is lost on management. The pros jumping in on the rookies was completely random and out of character, and the names they use for kids of known stars is absurd. Otherwise, keep it up and figure out some way to keep it past the second season.

What you did right:

-Finally getting a real GM on RAW. This could be the best thing you have done all year. Now, start getting relevant celebrity guests or stop the whole thing all together.

How you messed it up:

-This email thing is annoying and I am glad the wrestlers acknowledge that no one likes it. It is not terrible that the GM is anonymous but the implementation is once again flawed. The whole thing will be a colossal failure if the GM turns out to be anyone in the McMahon-Helmsley cabal and really wouldn’t be exciting if it was Stone Cold. Of the people that make sense and would provide compelling story I can think of Michael Cole, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase, JBL, or Brian Danielson.