Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Comics, Zombies and Bacon
Archive for year 2009
The Producer. The Moocher. The Looter.
Dec 27th
Oh Lawds! I has a Blackberry and a free meal!
In this country, we can all be put into one of three categories in terms of one’s personal contribution. You’re either a producer, a looter, or a moocher. Let us define the terms and let you figure out where you stand. For the record, I cannot claim the producer/moocher/looter notion. I will claim the solution for said problems, however.
The Producer.
The Producer is an individual who is employed, if both able and willing. Times are tough for many that are out of work. The producer may be out of work, but is actively seeking employment and not enjoying a minute of not earning a living. The producer’s children have never taken a bite of a free breakfast or lunch at school without the producer doing everything they could to quickly end the embarrassment and personal shame for having done so. They have never had their child’s daycare subsidized. They have never gone on food stamps with the intention of it becoming a lifestyle. They probably decided to get a second/third job or sold off things they don’t need to survive. The producer’s numbers are dwindling.
The Moocher.
The moocher is the person in front of you at the grocery store with expensive footwear and/or a designer purse trying to refinance an Escalade. They feel like free meals for their *many* children at school is a birthright. They work sparingly, if at all. If subsidized housing is available, they’re in it. Nothing is their fault if you ask them. They might have tried to go to college, but it won’t be on their dime. The world owes them a living because they simply cannot help themselves without having to suffer the indignity of missing Maury Povich.
The Looter.
The looter is the smallest portion of the three, but is the most important piece of this puzzle as far as the process being able to continue. Quite simply, the looter is the elected and/or appointed officials in our government who facilitate the looting of the producer’s wages and give them to the moocher. We can quibble about what percentage of this and that goes to what government entity, but the fact is people that refuse to work and stop having children in the name of personal responsibility have no reason to stop so long as the looter continues to reward said behaviors.
My solution? Weighted disenfranchisement.
What?
If you were a moocher and knew which politicians/looters support continued looting from the producers, you would vote for the looters who could give you biggest slice of the producer’s pie. In other words, you would effectively vote yourself a pay raise.
Less work + More money = Helluva deal!
Here’s how we could put a stop the bleeding. We need to diminish the amount each moocher’s vote counts. The perfect vote would equal 1.0 votes. This is a person who works and pays taxes (on time) and does not milk the government/producer of entitlements. I’m not talking about standard things like street lights, national defense and city parks. Everyone enjoys those perks.
Everyone starts with 1.0 votes and is subject to losing a percentage of their vote.
Here’s a few suggestions…
If you are on either food stamps, WIC, subsidized daycare, subsidized housing, welfare, dependent health/dental care for more than 20% of a year’s time, then your vote goes to 0.5%.
For every child you have beyond one, deduct an additional 0.1%. This does not apply solely to the (mostly) women stuck raising these children, if it has been determined you have fathered any children in said situation(s), you will receive an equal penalty to that of your former partner no matter how many children they have. However, if you are financially and morally capable (clean rap sheet), you will have the right to gain custody away from the irresponsible party who has your child. After all, ovaries provide no guarantee of superior parenting abilities.
There are exceptions… If you are a legal guardian of a child/children you did not produce and have been charged with their care due to you being a responsible individual, you would be exempt from penalty. Hey, it ain’t your fault your a good person. I would also provide full to partial exceptions to those disabled by non-preventable disease and/or conditions. Example: breast cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, leukemia. Retired individuals would be exempted based on if they worked or were part of a household that didn’t abuse the entitlement system prior to reaching retirement age.
We’ve got to do something to obstruct the cycle of dependency in this country. We’re on a slippery slope, and if we don’t get some tread under our feet soon, we’re gonna slide to a place from which we may never be able to get our asses unstuck. Let’s put a HUGE dent in the looter’s ability to provide a payroll to the moochers.
I hope that somewhere, Atlas is shrugging in agreement.
Would you do?… The Progressive Insurance Girl
Dec 19th
The goofy girl on the progressive insurance commercial is none other than Stephanie Courtney. The question to the Couch Pirates and our fans is… Would you do Stephanie Courtney?
Captain Lou Albano Dies at age 76
Oct 14th
Captain Lou Albano and Cindy Lauper
Good bye Captain Lou…
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “Still Behind” Edition #7
Oct 13th
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “Still Behind” Edition #7
A rough breakdown of the issue would be as follows:
Page 1: S.H.I.E.L.D. troops seen investigating “footprint” found in the jungle of the Andes Mountains
Page 2: Nick Fury and the X-Men are at the school talking to the S.H.I.E.L.D. troopers, Beast is trying to convince Fury to send in the X-Men to help.
Pages 3-4: In the Andes Mountains Fury’s men are attacked by something. They cannot make out what it is; only that it is “huge”.
Pages 5-6: Fury and the X-Men hear Fury troopers die in battle. They try to make contact and cannot. Professor Xavier confirms all soldiers are dead. Beast wants answer’s and wants to travel to the Andes Mountains himself.
Pages 7-11: Xavier calls for the rest of the X-Men. Beast thinks these issues could be related to Bolivar Trask (the man who created the Sentinels). Fury and the X-Men argue for a page or so, Fury says that S.H.I.E.L.D. can handle this but finally the X-Men convince him otherwise. Fury agrees to use their help. Cyclops assigns the team of Nightcrawler, Jean Grey, Rogue and Kitty Pryde for the mission. Beast convinces Cyclops he is needed and he is added to the team.
Pages 12-18: During the flight to the Andes Mountains, Fury tells Jean about one of the soldiers that was killed today. The only name Fury’s gives us is “Tommy”. Tommy was the great nephew of Junior Juniper, one of the men killed in Fury’s Howling Commando’s back in World War II. This leads into a flashback about a raid on a Nazi base that was full of all sorts of hardware, experiments and weapons. The Howling Commando’s were sent in to destroy everything. Wolverine was one of Fury’s men on the squad and during the raid he killed Dietrich Trask, a German scientist. So the Trask connection evolves.
Pages 19-22: The X-Men and Fury arrive at the Andes Mountain location only to find the bodies of the dead S.H.I.E.L.D. troopers, all equipment, all vehicles, and weapons are gone. Even the giant footprint has disappeared. The X-Men scout around some, when all of a sudden they are attacked by a Sentinel, to be continued.
I guess Steve Scott (pencils) and Al Vey (inks) are the new art team for this story arc. At times the artwork is very nice and others it is quite painful. As I was reading this issue I thought there were two different people drawing this book but I was sadly mistaken. Maybe they just need some time on the book to get a feel for the characters so I will reserve final judgment at some point later. The nicer pages give fans of the book a lot of hope.
The story, what can I say about it that I haven’t said before? Not much really. Claremont seems to have characters acting out of character just to be different. Beast seems to have a new attitude about him; several times in this issue alone, he comes off snarky, as if he had a chip on his shoulder or something to prove. This Claremont-verse incarnation of Beast is not the same one we read by the same author all these years prior.
Change is good? Maybe for some, in this issue we see change in attire for some of the X-Men. Remy Picard (Gambit) is now wearing a suit and trench coat, no mask and had his hair slicked back. He still has his gloves on and carries his trademark staff. Kitty Pryde (Shadow Cat) has gone to a darker goth-lite look, with streaked purple dyed hair. Beast now supports a long style spandex type pants, instead of the blue bikini briefs. Rogue and Nightcrawler also look to have a new variant costume on as well. Not sure why all the costume changes in the beginning of this series. All I can say to Uncle Chris is this “you can polish a turd all you want but at the end of the day it’s still a turd”.
See you next week.
COUCH PIRATE INSTA-POLL:Is this Scott’s Season?
Sep 21st
I will admit that I am a man with a problem. I live in Oklahoma and I love to make fun of the OU Football team. Love it like a crackhead loves the rock. But this year a friend of mine who is a true fan of the Sooners was very kind to me durning a potentially bad plumbing situation in my Death trap of an Apartment.
That Fan was Couch Pirate Scott.
In my mind a true fan of the Sooners is someone that sticks by the team through the good seasons and the bad. Quite a few will even turn on the team mid game if things look bad, but not Scott. I made him an offer that has now come to a moment of truth. Is this his season?
I offered him one season of no making fun of the Sooners. No Calls at the end of games should they lose, no chants of “tear your Quads!” every time the QB gets sacked. Even if Bob Stoops were to be caught at the Habana Inn with all the Ruf Neks in a Hot Tub….Nothing.
I even Gave him the 1st three games of the season to make his Desicion. Is this his season to not hear my cruel jack-assery towards his team or should he hang on to this golden ticket?
HELP HIM DECIDE! Leave your comments below!!!
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “OVERDUE” Edition #6
Sep 18th
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “OVERDUE” Edition #6
Issue #6 opens with a classic scene, a Chris Claremont original, its non-other than an “X-Men playing baseball scene”. Yep you heard me right, Uncle Chris went back to that well once again. Most of the X-Men play baseball in the Danger Room, while they should be cleaning it up. They are interrupted by team leader Cyclops who is not too happy with them for disobeying orders. During this time Lil’ Ororo powers start to go haywire and starts creating storms and tornadoes so the X-Men must save themselves from her powers. She finally manages to get control and reel them in.
Next the Danger Room goes all crazy and starts to attack the X-Men that are still recovering from the power surge by Lil’ Ororo. Nightcrawler, Lil’ Ororo, Kitty Pryde and Lockheed all manage to escape via teleporting/phasing out. This leaves Cyclops and Gambit left inside to fight the Danger Room while the others shut it down from the outside.
Meanwhile Professor X confronts Sabretooth in the kitchen and they have a discussion about trusting and respecting each other. Sabretooth talks about how Kitty Pryde is blood now and it’s because she has more than just Wolverine’s claw in her. Sabretooth continues by saying he will be watching her, and sticking with the X-Men until he gets revenge on “Evil” Storm and the people that sent her to kill his son, Wolverine.
During this Beast and Jean Grey are seen snooping around Xavier’s computer files searching for more evidence about mutants burning out and dying young. They find more proof that what he said is indeed true.
This sucktacular issue wraps up as Lil’ Ororo wonders if the X-men are really for her and if she should stay or go her own way. Nick Fury and Professor X get some information about a Foreign Dispatch Unit that has gone missing in South America and when shown a screen shot of what is there they are surprised. They see a huge crater-like foot print with smashed tanks and jungle life in it, the end.
Not a great ending but that is Uncle Chris’s X-Men Forever tales for you.
A simple breakdown of the issue would be as follows:
Page 1-8: Some of X-Men are supposed to be cleaning up the wrecked Danger Room (see issues 1-5), but instead start a pick up Baseball game instead. Cyclops interrupts the game. Lil’ Ororo powers go crazy as she creates a tornado in the Danger Room. Cyclops saves Lil’ Ororo and calms her down, danger’s averted.
Page 9-10: Professor X and Sabretooth talk in the kitchen. Professor X tells Sabretooths he needs to earn respect and Sabretooth claims he only cares about blood. He claims that Kitty Pryde has more than just one of Wolverine’s claws in her.
Pages 11: Beast and Jean Grey are in Beast’s Lab. They discuss the raw power that is know in Kitty Pryde and Sabretooth is watching her. Beast shows Jean the data that he has uncovered from Xavier’s old files on mutants.
Pages 12-17: Back in the Danger Room a combat program begins locking the X-Men inside. Nightcrawler grabs Lil’ Ororo and teleports out, Kitty Pryde grabs Lockheed, phasing to the outside. They shut down the power and leave Cyclops and Gambit inside to fight the room, until the back-up power finally powers down.
Pages 18-19: Later Gambit, Cyclops and Lil’ Ororo talk about what she wants in life: to stay with the X-Men or go her own way. While this goes on, Nightcrawler and Kitty talks about her gifts (Wolverine’s claw and rage) and how she should use them for good.
Pages 20-22: Professor X and Nick Fury are notified of a missing Unit in South America. When they get visuals on the area we see a big footprint like crater with crushed tanks and trees inside. What does this mean?
This issue was simply a filler issue. It had a filler artist (old X-Men Penciller Paul Smith) and filler story, (See X-Men playing baseball) nothing really happened, the story barely moved forward, if at all. The only good thing about this issue is the cover by Tom Grummett and its looks like most of the real artwork was done by the colorist. The inside art was terrible, and this is coming from a Paul Smith fan of his early X-Men work. The story was even worse. The whole issue could have not happened or happened in 3-4 pages and got the same points across. I can see tons of people dropping this book after this issue. It was bad, so very bad. What is even worse, we the reader paid 3.99 to read this.
It is times like this I ask myself how much longer can I actually continue to read and write articles about this crap. See you next week.
The Best Day I Ever Had
Sep 16th
I haven’t really posted anything lately. Had I not been busy being lazy, I would/should have posted something about how it’s awesome that Uncle Teddy died. Maybe I could mentioned how ACORN has been figuring out ways to get prostitutes home loans so they can bring underage illegal aliens to work in makeshift brothels.
No, I will simply talk about the most fun I’ve had in one single day.
In about 2002 I met a girl I had messed around with was then the recent past. She probably would have liked to date, but since I don’t like spending money on broads that option was off the table. I met her at her job, followed her to house. Upon arrival, I banged her. I then took a shower and was close to leaving when she suggested getting something to eat.
At this point I figured it would be OK to get something, as long as it involved a drive-thru. She wasn’t all that great looking, but she allowed me to stick my penis in her, which is a quality I greatly value in a woman. She drove, and insisted on paying.
Hard to argue with that logic.
Upon the return to her place (never do it at your own place unless you have a temporary residence), we ate what we had ordered. Then, I banged her again, left, and never talked to her in person again. It worked out for both of us.
It was awesome.
This video has nothing to do with that story, but it’s amazing. Watch it once, then watch it again and you’ll see that it gets better as you learn the dance and some of the lyrics he’s singing.
Rate This Chick: Amy
Sep 15th
I know this is long but if you want to get to know me then it’s worth the read…
At first sight most people think I’m high maintenance and unapproachable…but I’m the complete opposite. I’m 39 going on 21. I don’t mind getting dirty and sweaty but I get whiny when I get too hot. I can be a girly girl one minute and a tomboy the next. I know how to behave in public but don’t expect it when alone.
I’m a happy, affectionate, fun loving, laid back goof ball that loves to laugh. I’m artistic, creative and intuitive. I definitely use both sides of my brain. My glass is always half full and I’m not a big fan of the “pity party”. I have a good sense of humor and it’s very hard to offend me. I’m in no way politically correct.
I am not sure I am ready for something super serious. I’d like to start out as friends/date and then go from there. I do enjoy my freedom and don’t think that couples should be attached at the hip 24/7. But, the right guy could make me rethink all this.
I do know what I want and I don’t think we should settle for anything less. So, here is a list of the “Must Haves”…:)
1) Must know when to use there, their and they’re in a sentence…:)This is a pet-peeve of mine. I’m not a spelling/grammer nazi and I don’t need anymore emails regarding any grammatical errors in my profile.
2) Must be a Man’s Man…I’m a big “do it yourself” kinda girl…but, I’m not willing to change your flat tire…unless you’re in a body cast.
3) Must have a good sense of humor. A twisted sense of humor is even better.
4) Must never have been featured on America’s Most Wanted or have put an animal in a dryer just to see what would happen.
5) Must be playful. I bite, pinch and pout in order to get my way.
6) Must NOT snore. I’m a light sleeper and it doesn’t take much to wake me up.
7) Must be perfectly imperfect. I don’t want someone with perfect looks, perfect manners, or a perfect life. I want someone who has flaws, scars, even quirks and embraces them.
Top 10 things you should know about me…
1) I don’t like being told I can’t do something.
2) I don’t like balloons, drainage grates, or clowns. I’m just quirky like that.
3) I think men and women should shave from shoulder to toes. Not a big fan of body hair.
4) No matter how minor any injury I sustain is it will require a kiss and a band-aid…or Start Flight 
5) I can careless what side of the bed I sleep on.
6) I can’t rub someone’s back while they throw up…or I will throw up.
7) I don’t like talking on the phone…I’d rather text.
I Love to take baths.
9) Currently both of my rotator cuffs are torn.
10) I will not change and I don’t want to change anyone else. If being with me requires change then you’re better off going and watching clouds. They will definitely change for you but I won’t. What you see is what you get.
Okay…now for the whole kid factor. I can’t have kids, so I prefer someone who doesn’t want kids. I love kids and don’t mind someone who already has kids but I don’t want the drama of a psycho baby mama. Now, if you have wonderful kids and a good relationship with their Mother then that I can definitely deal with.
I have a hectic schedule so bare with me when it comes to replying back. If I’m interested I will definitely reply…it just might take a few days.
PS. I don’t twitter, blog or facebook because my life is just not that interesting. I also don’t MSN, AIM or because I just don’t have the desire or time.
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “LONG OVERDUE” Edition #5
Sep 11th
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever “LONG OVERDUE” Edition #5
Yes I am behind, very behind. No. Worse than very behind, for what it is worth I am sorry. Over the next couple of weeks I will post a new “Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition” until I am caught back up. Okay, so we agree I have a lot to get you caught up on, so let me get right to it.
This issue is the final part of this opening X-Men Forever story arc. So the big battle (or not very big battle) between the Consortium and the X-Men happens for about half the issue. After the fight, the “Evil” Storm (remember she killed Wolverine) flees the X-Men. The X-Men discover they are in one of the Consortium warehouses and are about to search the crates inside, when SHIELD shows up and tells the X-Men that they will take over from this point on.
We finally get to see the fate of Fabian Cortez, remember him from the first issue? Well in a very short scene we see SHIELD agents tell Nick Fury that a transport ship with Cortez in it has gone missing, and on the next page we see SHIELD agents hand him off to the Consortium soldiers in Northern Africa.
When the X-Men come home, Beast reveals that Lil Ororo and “Evil” Storm are exact genetic copies of each other. Beast also admits that while doing research he wandered into Professor Xavier’s old data files. These are files dating back to when he first became paralyzed. Beast unveils the shocking information he has found and that it’s a secret Professor X’s has kept for years. Professor X tells his X-Men the truth, the truth that mutants seem to eventually “burn out” and die. The more mutants use their powers the less is left to sustain their lives. Which they try to explain is why Magneto “burned out” during the original X-Men #1-#3 stories back in the early 1990’s. The X-Men are upset with this news and the fact they have been told lies all this time by Professor X. Nick Fury interrupts and tells the X-Men that somethings in life are hard, and despite the lies they have done good and saved the world many times, and for that reason alone they should continue on doing good as the X-Men.
The last pages of the book the X-Men mourn the loss of Wolverine and think about their future. Scott confronts Jean about her feelings for Wolverine. She admits she loves him and they too seem to agree that their relationship is over. Near the end Cyclops convinces the others that they should stay together and continue to make the world a better place. Ahhwww a happy ending.
A simple breakdown of the issue would be as follows:
Page 1-6: Storm is surrounded by the Consortium Troops. Lil Ororo, Gambit, Rogue and Nightcrawler fight another group of Consortium Troops.
Page 6-12: Cyclops, Jean, Shadowcat, and Sabretooth enter the scene and attack the Consortium Troops holding Storm. They all fight the Consortium and beat them, Storm kills one of the troops and flees the scene. The X-Men raid their building and are about to open the crates they found inside, when SHIELD shows up and dismisses them.
Pages 13: Nick Fury and SHIELD are seen fortifying Xavier’s Mansion. A Shield Agent tells Fury that the transport containing Fabian Cortez has gone messing.
Pages 14: The missing SHIELD Transport drops Fabian Cortez off in Northern Africa, Consortium soldiers pick him up. Cortez is confused.
Pages 15-20: Everyone comes home to the mansion. Beast confirms that Lil Ororo is the exact match of the Storm that betrayed the team. Beast also tells the X-Men that he got into Professor Xavier data files and found out that all mutants will likely die young. Professor X admits the data to be true, the more mutants use their powers the less is left to sustain their lives.
Pages 21-22: X-Men hold a very private memorial service for Wolverine. Jean admits she loved him and it looks like Scott and Jean are over. Scott asks the other X-Men to continue on fighting the good fight.
So after five issues we learn in the X-Men Forever Claremont-verse version of the X-Men that; Jean Grey really loved Wolverine more than ever before, mutants can and will “burn out” and likely die young, there is at least one faction in SHIELD working hand and hand with the Consortium, no one cares or wants to care about how and where this Lil’ Ororo came to be even though Gambit obviously knew about her before, Scott and Jean are no more, Sabretooth is Wolverine’s father and is now blind, Shadowcat has one of Wolverine’s claws in her forearm and its functions properly, Wolverine is dead, and finally the writing direction is abysmal.
What this book needs is a good old fashion Chris Claremont softball game. “No!” you scream. Well, it’s coming, but you will have to wait until next issue for that. See you next week for” Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #6”.
What the Hell is Vic (AKA Cool Kevin) Watching Now? The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
Aug 20th
Well, for my first review on the site I debated about what to review. Since I agreed to do movies and TV I thought about reviewing District 9 since my wife and I saw that this weekend. It was decent, but it’s also new and there are tons of reviews for new flicks. So I decided to go with one of the old TV shows I’ve been watching on Netflix: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Now before I go on I should point out that I watch a lot of shit. A lot of what I Netflix has shitty fx, shitty stories, and shitty acting. Occasionally I will stumble across a good (if low budget) flick, but it usually ends up being pretty shitty. I often think it’s the same compulsion that drives people to watch shit like Friends, but I could never stomach that fucking cultural abortion so I don’t know. Anyway, this show is not one of those shitty SciFi/zombie/action flicks I usually watch. This was the best western scifi adventure show ever made.
Now, most people have probably never heard of this show. It had a brief run in the 90’s and features that master of the B flick Bruce Campbell as the lead character Brisco County Jr. It also frequently featured John Astin, Julius Carry, Kelly Rutherford and Billy Drago. Set in the 1880’s, the basic plot of the series is that John Bly (Drago) and his gang is responsible for killing Brisco’s father and in turn Brisco is hired by a group of wealthy businessmen to track down Bly and his gang. Pretty basic series premise, and one that carried out through its run. But what set this series apart was the constant anachronistic references and ideas used in the show. It’s a nice show that’s entertaining even with the occasional plot hole and predictable storyline.
I loved this series. I loved it in the 90’s and I love it now. This is some of Campbell’s best stuff prior to Burn Notice. The stories were usually solid enough for a show of this type and the mix of western and occasional weird was cool. It’s nice to see it held up over the years.
Dr Octogon Brings the Squared-Circle: State of Wrestling 08/07/09 Edition
Aug 8th
The site was having some editing issues so I got behind a but this week, so here we go from ECW on Tuesday.
ECW 08/04/09
ECW was hit and miss tonight. It started out with some piss poor banter between Zak Ryder, Shelton Benjamin and Abraham Washington on the terrible Abraham Washington show. Anyone else think it is stupid this dill-hole had been called up for a month and still has not wrestled? They didn’t really need this situation to spark a feud between Ryder and Benjamin. I guess this also cuts Tyler Reks out of his feud with Ryder. Later, they had a goofy Hurricane segment but it gave me an excuse to see GM Tiffany. My favorite segment of the night was Goldust and Sheamus. They mostly had a very traditional mat wrestling contest with Sheamus finishing from a normal move instead of a finisher. Very old school. I like the dynamic they have working ECW with the veteran stars, Christian, Regal, Dreamer, Goldust, capable of training and guiding the young stars in a real setting. The Main Event was the Christian vs Dreamer ECW Championship match under extreme rules. Meh, as far as hardcore matches go, this was pretty tame. One aspect of the Dreamer/Christian/Swagger feud had been the wrestling, but hardcore pretty much eliminates that. Besides, weren’t all ECW title matches supposed to be contested under extreme rules? And a hardcore match involving Christian without a single Con-Chair-To? Come on guys.
C+
WWE Superstars 08/06/09
I thought this was a subpar Superstars for the most part but it had entertaining aspects. Santino for one was great even in a glorified squash match to Chris Masters. In tag team action, Regal and Burchill defeated Yoshi Tatsu and Tyler Reks. This was a pretty good match. Yoshi is getting a decent push and I do not know where they are going with Reks, but Regal and the Burchills, Katie Lee and Paul, had great chemistry as a group. The main event featured Rey Mysterio against Mike Knox with Dolph Ziggler as the guest announcer. Knox once again showed a lot of talent but the match was on the way to the typical Mysterio ending when Ziggler interfered to cause the DQ. I did not really enjoy Ziggler behind the headphones. Either he did not know what he was doing or he was not prepared properly for that role. Maybe he didn’t like Vince yelling in his ear.
B-
TNA Impact
I had been reading about this episode of Impact that would be so crazy and so chaotic because it would feel like a riot. Well, it did in ways and was still a bit of a letdown. The night started off with Main Event Mafia and World Elite, the Eric Young lead foreigner faction, joining forces. Let’s pause to get this straight, MEM now contains their guys, the Nation of Violence guys and the World Elite guys. Because they didn’t say they were just going to watch each other’s backs. It sounded like the same angle they came at Joe with; that MEM was hiring them to be associated with them. So they have a few matches and do some promos building up the idea that it is the TNA originals vs MEM/WE/NoV. This might be interesting if it were not exactly the same thing they did after MEM formed. Anyone remember the TNA Front Line? Me neither really since that arch amounted to nothing. So they have a big 8-Man tag match with Beer Money and Team 3D vs British Invasion, Steiner and Booker T. This is the match that devolves into a brawl featuring almost the whole locker room. However, the brawl had a couple of notable exceptions: Homicide, Hernandez, AJ Styles, and Matt Morgan. The brawl went everywhere, it was super violent, continued for a couple of segments and even had some humor tossed in. All-in-all it was executed nicely and got the point across. However, two things weakened it. Russo or whoever did almost the exact same thing with the n.W.o and since the MEM is already a lot like the n.W.o it all seemed rehashed. At one point during the broadcast, Mike Tenay draws a comparison to the n.W.o brawl, saying even that was nothing like this but that still makes the audience think rip-off. Sigh, is there a broadcast school he can attend. They had some other wrestling during the night, Morgan evened up the series against AJ, Sting squashed Brutus Magnus, Knockout segments not involving the Beautiful People so I did not care, and another mini-brawl at the end that Hernandez clears out with a twirling chain. this is probably all the natural escalation that the Front Line/MEM confrontation should have taken but someone, presumably Jeff Jarret, interfered with Vince Russo’s plans. Now with Jeff at home, Vince is returning to his killed story. Here is the problem: we know that Russo has had major creative control over two runs in TNA, S.E.X. during the early years and now MEM. They are both very similar to the n.W.o, not to mention the new n.W.o in WCW, and then New Blood towards the end of WCW. All very similar to these story lines and all contributing to the feeling this has all been overdone by him. That and the chaotic nature of the last couple of weeks of Impact really didn’t feel all that different from the riot.
C-
Smackdown 08/07/09
I don’t know about this one. I wish last weeks show had lived up to its great final segment because my faith in Michael Hayes is starting to waiver. I am not saying he has lost; I am just saying some of the circumstances seem too contrived for their own good. The last two weeks of shows have been packed with quality and close chances to be great, but nothing ever pays off until the last segment. The show was billed to start off with a Title match between Hardy and CM Punk. The two brawl and the match never starts so Mr McMahon comes out and reschedules it for the main event. He also adds a special guest enforcer, who is pretty predictable if you think back to who was drafted and traded around recently. Morrison has a very good match with Tyson Kid, defeating him but it is a weird consolation for his awesome main event performance last week. By the way, since when did the Hart Dynasty become jobbers to the stars? After the Cryme Tyme “Word Up” segment, Slam Master J gets his first match since he adopted his new gimmick against Charlie Haas. I commend Hayes in trying to keep his old tag partner’s kid employed. Still, I don’t know how long Jesse will be around. I have never understood why Charlie Haas was an eternal jobber either, oh well. Next, Dolph Ziggler wins a fatal four way for a shot at the Intercontinental title at “Summerfest”, that almost came out and said he was going to win on Superstars. It was a good match but we all knew the results. JTG defeated Chris Jericho, meh. Normal build up for the PPV match. The Great Khali beat Ricky Ortiz in one of the fastest matches ever and then Kane came out to remain involved on “time-filler” feud number 2. In the back, their was some crap-tastic segment where Maria explained why she is boning Doplh Ziggler. Really stupid and no need. On to the main event, it is revealed that special enforcer is none other than…Matt Hardy *gasp*. Yeah, kind of saw it coming and from his very first interactions with Jeff, kind of saw the results of the match coming, too. It was a decent match, but Jeff Hardy did absolutely nothing hardcore or extreme, of course. The specter of whatever contrived thing they were going to pull off to keep the title on Jeff really dampened my enjoyment of the match. And then finally, there it was. Hey, we will have Matt Hardy play angry moron. Jeff will be acting like a little bitch, like always, and stand in front of Matt, arguing with him and with his back to the ropes. Punk will slide at Jeff and Matt will obviously see Jeff move causing Punk to knock Matt back. But no, Matt will be angry at Punk and then pull the ref out as Punk is about to win then get in an argument with Punk and then quick count an easy pin for Jeff to retain. Blah, why could they not execute this better? I do not have a problem with Matt counting the win for Jeff, I think their feud is a dead end anyway. I think there were two possible outcomes of Matt Hardy’s return. Matt costs Jeff the title, they have a huge match at say Hell in the Cell, Jeff gets hurt, and then Jeff takes some time off. Or they reconcile, Punk hurts Jeff, then Matt and Punk feud for the title. After Matt leaves the ring, Punk brutalizes Jeff again and it is great just like last weeks. Then Teddy Long makes them a rematch for “Summerfest” in a TLC match. this could go a lot of different ways but I don’t know how many of them are satisfying. If Matt is going to stay heel, I think they should have the Hardys reconcile over the next couple of weeks, then Matt gets added to the TLC, and then Matt betrays Jeff there. He could even become the champion then. If Matt is turning face, they should have them both struggle with it a bit but I do not know where it should end up. I fear that it would just turn into a normal Punk/Matt Hardy feud away from the title and that would be the end of both of their main event careers. Hopefully, before Jeff takes his time off, they can move the title over to Punk while turning Matt face in a believable way. I think Matt and Punk would work a really good dynamic with Matt coming from a place that he could throw all Punk’s rhetoric back in his face.
B-
Ring Rust: Really, is this what we want?
Aug 5th
Really is this what we want?
I saw this posted on another wrestling website and I had to comment.
Business Week recently did a story on WWE using the celebrity guest hosts on Raw. When discussing the use of the celebrities, Stephanie McMahon made the following comments…
“When Donald took over we realized that our audience wanted to see something new. We have the ability to change our story line to suit whoever hosts.”
She also said that they were talking to Freddie Prinze Jr., Bob Barker and the Reverend Al Sharpton about hosting Raw in the future.
Really Stephanie McMahon? I mean really? Do you and the other higher ups at WWE really think the high ratings on a commercial free RAW were for Donald Trump? Did you guys all forget that that show was advertized heavily for a week on every show you produce as being commercial free? I know for a fact me and several other Couch Pirates tuned in to see a commercial free RAW, not to see “The Donald”.
I also know for a fact we all hate these guest hosts. We are your customers, we buy the PPV’s, we buy the shirts, we buy your video games, we go to the live local shows, we even went to Wrestlemania 25, some of us (including myself) even buy your action figures. We are the customer’s voice, why aren’t you listening?
I say this. You guys run another two hour commercial free RAW, promote the crap out of it like you did before, advertize a World Title #1 contender tournament like you did before. But this time do it without a Donald Trump or a ZZ Top, heck let a WWE GM like Teddy Long guest host. Then let the people watch and enjoy and I promise you ratings will be high. You guys missed the biggest and best gimmick for ratings you have had to date, it’s not a celebrity guest host it is commercial free television.
Sword of Bad 4: More To Love? YES IT IS!!!
Aug 4th
There was a point that I thought FOX could not come up with a better dating show. It was episode one of “The Littlest Bachelor” where a midget man tries to find a midget woman for some sweet midget lovin’. It was great TV, Who cares that they don’t have souls?
But then they surprised me with the next great dating reality show.
“More To Love”
Rah Rah Raaaarrrhhhh
A Tubby man is seeking love from one of 15 Tubby women. This is a show that has crying every 5 minutes or your money back. (before you send me any hate mail I myself am a Fatty McFat Fat which means its ok for me to call other fat people Lard-O. Theys my peeps!)
If there is one thing I as a Man Of Fatness LOVE its Fat Asses that blame their unhappiness on their weight. This show has it in spades!! Whats sad is most of these gals are attractive but they can’t get past their own pitty parties long enough to see it. Instead they cry at random moments and complain about Skinny Bitches. If they don’t wrestle in gravy before the end of the season I will be so so sad. Watch it before the People for the Ethical Treatment of Fatties puts an end to this.
E-Fucking-Nough.
Aug 4th
I guess I will play spades and do my first op-ed piece on the current administration. Very quickly, my political views could be summed up as a staunch moderate/libertarian/centrist who has been thoroughly disenchanted with both of the major parties since before I could legally procure alcohol. I have never voted for a Bush or Clinton.
That being said, I don’t really think I was ever truly scared of a Bush or Clinton. Sure, I could run down a laundry list of things they have done that pissed me off and done irreparable damage to our nation. However, they just hadn’t sent those creepy chills of fear on anything.
That has changed with the current administration. I won’t say I cannot believe we are sitting by and watching our federation crumble into a communist oligarchy, as human nature says, “Until it affects me, fuck it. Let me grab a Hungry Man.” People, in general, aren’t worth a shit or concerned until a decision is made that derails the daily routine. There would be more of an uproar if a tornado warning that could prevent thousands from dying interrupts a football game, or heaven forbid, American Idol.
The Drudge Report posted a link to video that shows undeniable proof that President Obama would like to phase out private medical insurance and move to a single-payer universal health care system administrated by the government.
Do you really want a trip to the doctor to be like the DMV?
I digress.
Here’s the link. Watch for yourself. 1:52 well spent.
Today, a story broke that was essentially the White House press department running damage control for the aforementioned video. In it, they attempt to dispel the video Drudge linked. Like the Bandit running blocker for the Snowman, they say the video Brietbart posted is, “…taking sentences and phrases out of context, and they’re cobbling them together to leave a very false impression.”
This, the same administration, who Helen Thomas (and Chip Reid) of the White House Press Corps had to call out for the autocratic style of press conferences they hold. Helen Thomas, a loooong-time liberal/progressive herself, had been fed up with with the pre-packaged, canned events they hold under the guise of an open and free forum of ideas. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs actually had to nerve to suggest whatever questions the needed to have answered should be e-mailed the night before.
Really?
Last week, Joseph Farah of politically conservative www.wnd.com, stated in an interview that all search results to his site on the controversial subject of Obama’s birth certificate had been removed from sites like Google and Yahoo. The previous day, one could could Google “Obama’s birth certificate” and yield first page results with more than one link to the www.wnd.com.
All of a sudden, they were gone.
I might add, as of today, Google did yield ONE link back to wnd.com. At the very least, does this not raise suspicion? I mean, you might need to dust off your VHS copy of John Carepenter’s, They Live and see if you can find any parallels. Especially after watching that smug cocksucker, Robert Gibbs, pose as press secretary.
What the fuck happened to all these notions of transparency and openness the Messiah prophesied in his bid for the presidency? I hope even the most ardent of his supporters can see that was all a shell game in hindsight.
Change?
You fucking got it.
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #4
Aug 4th
Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #4
So last issue ends with Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) popping the missing claw (that she some-how got by phasing through Wolverine) and maiming Storm across the face. Now the beginning of this issues starts with the same mysterious group of people talking about Storm being their covert agent and how Kitty Pryde has now become possibly one of the most dangerous X-Men. All because of the one claw she now possesses. Sounds crazy? I agree but here it is straight from the comic.
Female silhouette: “The biosignatures phasing through the walls suggest that it is this X-Man, Katherine ‘Kitty’ Pryde, who attacked our Agent”
Male silhouette: “Ms. Pryde? She was thought not to have any offensive capabilities.”
Female silhouette: “None were on file. However long distance spectrometry scans overlaid with body-heat telemetry of the mansion suggest a new theory.”
“Combined with the intercepted S.H.I.E.L.D. transmission regarding Wolverine’s missing claw… our working theory is that this ‘Shadowcat’ somehow now possesses Wolverine’s claw. Making her possibly one of the most dangerous X-Men.”
So this solves an age old question of “How can you make a weak X-Man character more powerful?” Simple, you give it one of Wolverine’s claws!
Moving on, the next scene is the showdown between Storm and Kitty Pryde, there is a lot of talking and a lot of thought balloons over the next couple of pages as the two square off. Finally Storm makes her move and escapes down a secret passage that leads to the Morlock Tunnel which can take a person to Manhattan.
While this is going on the X-Men are still stuck in the Danger Room unable to use their powers because Storm used a power dampener field on them. Know many of you that have read this asked “If they can’t use their powers, how did Kitty Pryde phase out of the room and track down Storm?” for those that asked this I turn to Chris Claremont’s brilliant writing for the answer. It’s on page 5, last panel of the page in a conversation between Rogue and Nightcrawler.
Rogue: “Can’t you teleport us, Nightcrawler?”
Nightcrawler: “No Storm activated the field dampeners! I’m stuck in here with the rest of you.”
Rogue: “Then how was Kitty able to get out?”
Nightcrawler: “Phasing versus ‘porting fraulein…Kitty’s powers aren’t affected.”
See how Uncle Chris explained that. It’s a simple case of phasing versus teleporting. Wow! Who would have thought that the same dampener field that has stymied all the other X-Men’s powers didn’t affect Kitty’s phasing, maybe she is the most dangerous X-Men of all. I could talk all day long about the bad dialog in this issue but I need to move on.
As the story continues Kitty Pryde rescues the X-Men from the Danger Room. The X-Men decide it’s best to split up the team to track down Storm with one team chasing her through the Morlock Tunnel and another heading to Manhattan. Before they leave, Jean Grey returns healed and ready for battle in a totally new costume, that I will add no even mentions. Before heading out they convince Sabretooth to play by their rules and join the team to track down Storm. He agrees since she killed his son, Wolverine, and joins Cyclops, Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde in tracking down Storm via the Morlock Tunnel. They catch up and confront Storm which leads to a fight in the tunnel. Storm attempts to drown them and manages to escape. While coming out of the tunnel she is met by what she calls “Consortium Agents”. She asks if they have been sent to retrieve her and their reply is “Not quite… we’re here to kill you.”
While all this is happening Nick Fury, Professor Xavier and Beast are trying to follow Storm via the “orbital scanner grid” where they pick up on two “Storm” signatures. Professor X instructs Rogue, Gambit, and Nightcrawler (the X-Men that were sent to Manhattan) to investigate the other signature. The signature leads them to the Brooklyn Bridge. While Gambit is dropped off to look around he is shown talking to himself until someone else answers, he turns around and… it’s a teen aged looking Storm, or as Gambit calls her “Ororo”. Gambit and Ororo embrace in a hug and the issue ends with them as targets in the crosshairs of an off panel weapon of some kind. So it looks like we have a clone Storm running around the “Claremont-verse” but which one is the real Storm?
A simple breakdown of the issue would be as follows:
Page 1: Silhouette of people talking about their “Storm” and the changes to Kitty Pryde.
Page 2-4: Storm and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) are at a standoff and we see that Storm has been cut across the face from Kitty’s new claw. Storm escapes down a passage that leads to the Morlock tunnel and Manhattan.
Page 5-7: X-Men stuck in Danger Room are rescued by Kitty Pryde. Fury, Prof X and Beast talk about Kitty’s new claw.
Pages 8-14: X-Men decide to split into two teams to track Storm. One goes via the tunnels, one goes to Manhattan. Cyclops convinces Sabretooth to join up with them. Jean Gray returns fully recovered and in a new uniform. Beast becomes obsessed with tracking down Storm for killing Wolverine.
Pages 15: Rogue, Nightcrawler and Gambit head to Manhattan.
Pages 16-20: Jean Grey, Cyclops, Kitty Pryde and Sabretooth head after Storm via the Morlock tunnel. Storm confronts them and tries to drown them. She eventually escapes the tunnels and is confronted by Consortium Agents who she thinks are there to retrieve her, but they are assigned to kill her.
Pages 21-22: Rogue, Nightcrawler and Gambit go to the Brooklyn Bridge. While on the bridge Gambit is shocked to see Ororo. Yes another Storm-esque character. She hugs Gambit and says “Wolverine found me… helped me… escape…”, as they hug the issue ends with the both of them in the crosshairs of a rifle.
So the last few weeks I really thought the book was improving but boy was I wrong this issue might be the worst of the bunch. Some of the dialog is so darn bad, it made me laugh while reading it. The artwork is also getting worse. This issue was a week behind schedule so maybe the artist can’t keep up a twice a month schedule. I am still trying to figure out why this title of all titles is coming to us twice a month. My theory is Marvel is trying to sell the retailers and reader as many books as possible before people catch up on their reading or orders and realize this comic is a hunk of poo.
See you in two weeks for Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #5
Below are some brief reviews for books from the week of July 29th 2009.
Batman: Brave and the Bold #7 (DC)
In this issue Batman teams up with the Doom Patrol! The Mad Mod kidnaps half the Doom Patrol and its up to Batman and Beast Boy to save them. They free the remaining members and defeat the Mad Mod with ease. This comic is a great fun read and is done the same vain as the TV show, plus it’s only $2.50!
Fantastic Four #569 (Marvel)
Doom’s Master Part 4 or 4. It’s the Final Showdown between the Marquis of Death and Fantastic Four. A more powerful Dr. Doom returns to help the Fantastic Four stop the Marquis of Death. It will be interesting to see if this new more powerful Dr. Doom that Mark Millar has created will carry over to the rest of the Marvel Universe or even on to the next time the FF face him in their own book. Ben Grimm’s wedding takes place this issue, but it is Grimm that backs out at the last second; poor Thing no one will ever let him be happy.
This issue marks the end of the FF run by Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch, not a complete run of the book though if you ask me. Hitch couldn’t even pencil one panel of this last issue but have no fear Stuart Immonen did a great job on the book. Mark Millar even let Joe Ahearne script the last couple of issues based off his story ideas. Overall their run or near run was fun and exciting but felt more like the Ultimate Fantastic Four and less like the regular 616 Marvel Universe FF we know and love. I would still recommend these stories whether in single comic form or trade paperback form to all comic fans.
Justice League of America #35 (DC)
Sad to say I almost didn’t pick up this issue. I have been a reader of the Justice League for many years now and this run of JLA has just sucked in my opinion. I didn’t enjoy the Brad Meltzer/Ed Benes reboot stories. I didn’t care for the issues by Dwayne McDuffie even though I thought I would. This issue has given me faith in this book. I really liked this issue and cannot wait (for the first time in a long time) for the next installment. Simply put: the JLA verses the Royal Flush Gang in Las Vegas, both the dialog and artwork are well done and consistent characters seemed like they acted like they should. Plus the return of… well you will have to check it out and see for yourself. For the first time during this current run I give JLA #35 two thumbs up, Thank you Len Wein and Tom Derenick!
New Avengers #55 (Marvel)
The New Avengers are facing the Hood and his gang of villains once again. This time the Avengers retreat to fight another day. Tension begins to rise in the Hood’s gang of villains as some are tired of taking orders from the Hood. While at New Avengers headquarters (Bucky Captain America place) the team starts to wear out their welcome with Bucky Cap; the place is a mess and the team is starting to fight amongst themselves about what they should do with Norman Osborn. Wolverine leaves the team to head out to San Francisco, not sure if this is temporary or not. Near the end of the issue, the Hood’s gang of villains plant a trap for the New Avengers and by the last page it looks like they win. The rest is to be continued. Stuart Immonen (that guy again) becomes the new regular artist on New Avengers book in this issue.
