Ok, you may call this all sour grapes, but I have always preferred apples as my sour fruit of choice. I am working on my UFC 98 article, plugging away and it comes time for my daily trip to the gym with my son. I make my supplement shake and get ready to go, same routine as always. I check the mail as we leave the house and I think it is here that I realize I am already exasperated. I don’t know when it started: maybe last night when I had to buy a new lawnmower, maybe it is the chinese food that we had last night making me feel crappy, maybe it is things happening out of no where without my knowledge, maybe it is something else. I don’t know but these next three hours were going to suck. I am looking at an envelope, for I don’t know what, to my wife from her sister and brother-in-law. I still haven’t read the address but do you know how I know it was from them? Not only does it have an OSU address label, which is fine, that is their alma mater, it has OSU written all over the envelope, front and back. I don’t get it. Can someone fill me in? Is that funny? I am sure there was something else written inside. On some other card, Christmas or my son’s birthday card, they had written “From: Coach Mike Gundy”. Is that funny to anyone? At all? I don’t get it. Am I too close to the forest to see the trees here. Please someone help. Anyway, that is really no big deal. They are incredible dorks and that is okay. I read comics, play DnD among other RPGs, write wrestling fan fiction for a friend, have at least a dozen comic shirts or typical nerd shirts, play video games, see all the nerd movies even if I know they will be terrible, entertained playing Magic professionally, work at a comic store, went to Wrestlemania, love learning about math and science and everything else for fun, and frequently work on authoring an epic fantasy-horror series. But believe me, these people are dorks. It is fine with me that anyone gets a degree at OSU if they like. It is fine with me to give your money to a leech school, with mostly barely made up degrees, that blows their very diminutive endowment on the mutual fund ran by the oil tycoon that owns your university, that has a mascot that supports a lifestyle of ignorance, abuse, racism, and sexism. That’s all fine with me, if that is what you want to do. So I am looking at this envelope that represents a colossal waste of time and effort, not even entertaining the thought that I would be ranting about it later. I have learned to ignore this crap, but it seemed relevant and funny. We get down to the gym and everything is going fine. Kid is having a good time in the play room, his mohawk has really given him a sense of authority. A bigger kid was messing with him and he didn’t give a shit, he just told him to go away. The first part of my heavy weights work out usually takes about 30 min. It is a series of 10 supersets of Incline Press at 205 pounds then immediately followed by T-Bar Rows at 100 pounds, 10 reps each, 1 minute rest in between supersets. By the fifth set, I am freaking gassed and I have no idea why. I have been doing this particular regimen for 4 weeks and have never struggled like this. I don’t know, this is why I at least blame it partially on the chinese food. So I finally get done with that and go on to my Interval Cardio training I do between my heavy weight supersets. I really want to stop but I keep pushing on. But I think what really kept me going was my hate.


Hey, Old-Guy-With-Chicken-Legs, I hate you. I hate your stupid pointed face and I hate your constant ignorant scowl. I hate that you do every single exercise incorrectly and take at least 3 minutes between sets. I know this because I get incredibly bored during my cardio, and my interval sets are a minute and a half. You suck. But do you know what sucks more, old man? You make me hate other people. Do all these people know each other? Why do you have to have your old man pow-wow in the middle of the gym when you should be A) working on your old man skin, or B) DYING? I can tell you are one of those guys that has always been skinny and don’t know how to put on muscle and don’t need to worry about losing fat. Just please quit walking around, being a scrawny pussy and getting in my way.


Hey, Kevin Bookout (literally), you are awesome and have been a great patron of the gym. You rack your weights, you are polite, and you are more than anyone could expect out of a high profile athlete for Oklahoma. Keep it up big guy.


Hey, Old-Hippie-That-Sits-In-One-Corner-Of-The-Gym, you suck. I haven’t had a lot of interaction with you, because you are probably normally too baked to come regularly. But you irritate me because you do the same thing all the old people do and take forever, and look disgusted and offended whenever anyone wanders into YOUR corner of the gym.


Hey, Guy-That-Spends-Hours-On-The-Bikes-But-Worked-In-With-Me-Today, you might be okay. Dude, you spend way too much time on the bike working your ass off for diminishing returns but I respect you for upping your weight today when you realized how paltry it was compared to mine. You didn’t bitch and complain when we alternated and had to change weight. You acted like men are supposed to in the gym, so I give you big props for that. But you are in some ways related to this next group of morons.


People-Who-Mindlessly-Plod-Away-At-Cardio, you suck. Pick up a damn fitness magazine, or fitness book, or use the f-ing internet if you know it exists. Interval Training is how you lose pounds and fat, not plodding away at the same speed, at the same resistance, with the same motion for hours on end. If you are endurance training for a marathon, fine. But ALL you people are not training for a marathon. Haven’t you noticed that every cut person in there does very similar cardio? Quit wasting your time, you need about 30 minutes of intervals at the very max.


Hey, Girl-Who-Is-About-To-Make-Me-A-Hypocrite, I love you. You are not fat because you look like a woman. I love the black pants, but you don’t have to wear all black. I do, I am fat. I know you want to look like all the super skinny chicks, and yes I do want to bag them too. But I would rather bang you first. I know I am a meathead fatty and you don’t care, but any guy that only wants to bang skinny chicks either A) doesn’t know what to do with his penis anyway or B) enjoys that those girls are very boy-like so they can stay in the closet. I don’t care that you did the same thing for an hour and texted pretty much the whole time, I want to lick you.


Hey, People-Usually-Old-That-Do-Half-Reps-At-Very-Little-Weight, you suck. Talk about wasting your f-ing time. If you aren’t straining to LIFT WEIGHTS, get the f out of the weight room. Don’t worry about getting bulky (most common excuse), you are not going to; you either do not have the hormones (women), or you are a pussy. Either way, you will never be able to lift enough to get bulky without help. Suck it up, if your shirt is not covered in sweat, you have not done enough. I hate you so much.


Hey, Hitler’s Grandson, why in the hell do you suck so much? You should really cut your hair and mustache to not even remotely look like your grandfather. I heard you speaking Spanish, which means you are probably a result of Hitler’s love child in Argentina after World War II. Guess what? You are one of the Cardio Robots too, and you are always in the f-ing sauna and you like to walk around the locker room naked. WTF is wrong with old people that they want to walk around the locker room naked? Guess what? The sauna doesn’t work man. It only helps if you are cutting weight, because all it does is make you sweat out water.


Hey Seacows, you really f-ing suck. You think that you can go in the pool and do movements that slightly resemble exercise and jogging and lose weight. Has it occurred to any of you women that you have been doing this crap for two f-ing years, albeit irregularly, but you have seen zero results? YOU ARE STILL F-ING SEACOWS. It is okay if you are handicapped and really can’t do much else, but I see handicapped people busting their ass in the gym all the time. So you really have no excuse either. Suck it up, eat less (I saw one of you complaining you didn’t get your large order of potato cakes to go with you other 10 bucks of food at Arby’s…yeah, I am f-ing everywhere, I see everything), and get on a real workout plan. For the Love of sweet Jesus, more than one of you uses a damn fun noodle to help you move in the water. You are adults for God’s sake, try to behave with a little self-respect.


Hey, Wonderful-Woman-That-Came-To-The-Pool-Later, you are awesome. Your ass is amazing and I would rather see you in a bikini bottom to match the top, rather than those shorts. You look great and you should show it off.


Hey, Old-Guy-That-Thinks-He-Owns-The-Gym, you suck. No one cares what you have done in the past. Quit spending all your free time at the gym talking and annoying the employees. Find a nice bingo hall to die in or actually f-ing use the gym.


Hey, Skeletor, I thought you were dead. You look a lot older than you really are because you try to look thirteen. By the way, thanks for dropping your water bottle behind my car and taking forever to pick it up when I was trying to leave. If only I were really evil or thought I could get away with it. You are way too f-ing skinny. I am sure you get a lot of looks from about 100 feet away, but as we get closer we want to vomit. You look like an old, skeletal, brunette Jean Benet Ramsey. Tell Beast Man, your husband, that anytime he wants to roid rage around me, to go ahead and put the weight into the side of my head. But he better put me down, because if he doesn’t I am going to choke his old ass out until he turns purple. You put all that work into looking young and being that skinny, but your legs are still covered in cellulite. Who wins there?



/rantoff



How about them apples?

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