The Couch Pirates

Well, for my first review on the site I debated about what to review. Since I agreed to do movies and TV I thought about reviewing District 9 since my wife and I saw that this weekend. It was decent, but it’s also new and there are tons of reviews for new flicks. So I decided to go with one of the old TV shows I’ve been watching on Netflix: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Now before I go on I should point out that I watch a lot of shit. A lot of what I Netflix has shitty fx, shitty stories, and shitty acting. Occasionally I will stumble across a good (if low budget) flick, but it usually ends up being pretty shitty. I often think it’s the same compulsion that drives people to watch shit like Friends, but I could never stomach that fucking cultural abortion so I don’t know. Anyway, this show is not one of those shitty SciFi/zombie/action flicks I usually watch. This was the best western scifi adventure show ever made.

Now, most people have probably never heard of this show. It had a brief run in the 90’s and features that master of the B flick Bruce Campbell as the lead character Brisco County Jr. It also frequently featured John Astin, Julius Carry, Kelly Rutherford and Billy Drago. Set in the 1880’s, the basic plot of the series is that John Bly (Drago) and his gang is responsible for killing Brisco’s father and in turn Brisco is hired by a group of wealthy businessmen to track down Bly and his gang. Pretty basic series premise, and one that carried out through its run. But what set this series apart was the constant anachronistic references and ideas used in the show. It’s a nice show that’s entertaining even with the occasional plot hole and predictable storyline.

I loved this series. I loved it in the 90’s and I love it now. This is some of Campbell’s best stuff prior to Burn Notice. The stories were usually solid enough for a show of this type and the mix of western and occasional weird was cool. It’s nice to see it held up over the years.

Popularity: 5% [?]

The site was having some editing issues so I got behind a but this week, so here we go from ECW on Tuesday.

ECW 08/04/09
ECW was hit and miss tonight. It started out with some piss poor banter between Zak Ryder, Shelton Benjamin and Abraham Washington on the terrible Abraham Washington show. Anyone else think it is stupid this dill-hole had been called up for a month and still has not wrestled? They didn’t really need this situation to spark a feud between Ryder and Benjamin. I guess this also cuts Tyler Reks out of his feud with Ryder. Later, they had a goofy Hurricane segment but it gave me an excuse to see GM Tiffany. My favorite segment of the night was Goldust and Sheamus. They mostly had a very traditional mat wrestling contest with Sheamus finishing from a normal move instead of a finisher. Very old school. I like the dynamic they have working ECW with the veteran stars, Christian, Regal, Dreamer, Goldust, capable of training and guiding the young stars in a real setting. The Main Event was the Christian vs Dreamer ECW Championship match under extreme rules. Meh, as far as hardcore matches go, this was pretty tame. One aspect of the Dreamer/Christian/Swagger feud had been the wrestling, but hardcore pretty much eliminates that. Besides, weren’t all ECW title matches supposed to be contested under extreme rules? And a hardcore match involving Christian without a single Con-Chair-To? Come on guys.



C+




WWE Superstars 08/06/09
I thought this was a subpar Superstars for the most part but it had entertaining aspects. Santino for one was great even in a glorified squash match to Chris Masters. In tag team action, Regal and Burchill defeated Yoshi Tatsu and Tyler Reks. This was a pretty good match. Yoshi is getting a decent push and I do not know where they are going with Reks, but Regal and the Burchills, Katie Lee and Paul, had great chemistry as a group. The main event featured Rey Mysterio against Mike Knox with Dolph Ziggler as the guest announcer. Knox once again showed a lot of talent but the match was on the way to the typical Mysterio ending when Ziggler interfered to cause the DQ. I did not really enjoy Ziggler behind the headphones. Either he did not know what he was doing or he was not prepared properly for that role. Maybe he didn’t like Vince yelling in his ear.



B-




TNA Impact
I had been reading about this episode of Impact that would be so crazy and so chaotic because it would feel like a riot. Well, it did in ways and was still a bit of a letdown. The night started off with Main Event Mafia and World Elite, the Eric Young lead foreigner faction, joining forces. Let’s pause to get this straight, MEM now contains their guys, the Nation of Violence guys and the World Elite guys. Because they didn’t say they were just going to watch each other’s backs. It sounded like the same angle they came at Joe with; that MEM was hiring them to be associated with them. So they have a few matches and do some promos building up the idea that it is the TNA originals vs MEM/WE/NoV. This might be interesting if it were not exactly the same thing they did after MEM formed. Anyone remember the TNA Front Line? Me neither really since that arch amounted to nothing. So they have a big 8-Man tag match with Beer Money and Team 3D vs British Invasion, Steiner and Booker T. This is the match that devolves into a brawl featuring almost the whole locker room. However, the brawl had a couple of notable exceptions: Homicide, Hernandez, AJ Styles, and Matt Morgan. The brawl went everywhere, it was super violent, continued for a couple of segments and even had some humor tossed in. All-in-all it was executed nicely and got the point across. However, two things weakened it. Russo or whoever did almost the exact same thing with the n.W.o and since the MEM is already a lot like the n.W.o it all seemed rehashed. At one point during the broadcast, Mike Tenay draws a comparison to the n.W.o brawl, saying even that was nothing like this but that still makes the audience think rip-off. Sigh, is there a broadcast school he can attend. They had some other wrestling during the night, Morgan evened up the series against AJ, Sting squashed Brutus Magnus, Knockout segments not involving the Beautiful People so I did not care, and another mini-brawl at the end that Hernandez clears out with a twirling chain. this is probably all the natural escalation that the Front Line/MEM confrontation should have taken but someone, presumably Jeff Jarret, interfered with Vince Russo’s plans. Now with Jeff at home, Vince is returning to his killed story. Here is the problem: we know that Russo has had major creative control over two runs in TNA, S.E.X. during the early years and now MEM. They are both very similar to the n.W.o, not to mention the new n.W.o in WCW, and then New Blood towards the end of WCW. All very similar to these story lines and all contributing to the feeling this has all been overdone by him. That and the chaotic nature of the last couple of weeks of Impact really didn’t feel all that different from the riot.



C-




Smackdown 08/07/09
I don’t know about this one. I wish last weeks show had lived up to its great final segment because my faith in Michael Hayes is starting to waiver. I am not saying he has lost; I am just saying some of the circumstances seem too contrived for their own good. The last two weeks of shows have been packed with quality and close chances to be great, but nothing ever pays off until the last segment. The show was billed to start off with a Title match between Hardy and CM Punk. The two brawl and the match never starts so Mr McMahon comes out and reschedules it for the main event. He also adds a special guest enforcer, who is pretty predictable if you think back to who was drafted and traded around recently. Morrison has a very good match with Tyson Kid, defeating him but it is a weird consolation for his awesome main event performance last week. By the way, since when did the Hart Dynasty become jobbers to the stars? After the Cryme Tyme “Word Up” segment, Slam Master J gets his first match since he adopted his new gimmick against Charlie Haas. I commend Hayes in trying to keep his old tag partner’s kid employed. Still, I don’t know how long Jesse will be around. I have never understood why Charlie Haas was an eternal jobber either, oh well. Next, Dolph Ziggler wins a fatal four way for a shot at the Intercontinental title at “Summerfest”, that almost came out and said he was going to win on Superstars. It was a good match but we all knew the results. JTG defeated Chris Jericho, meh. Normal build up for the PPV match. The Great Khali beat Ricky Ortiz in one of the fastest matches ever and then Kane came out to remain involved on “time-filler” feud number 2. In the back, their was some crap-tastic segment where Maria explained why she is boning Doplh Ziggler. Really stupid and no need. On to the main event, it is revealed that special enforcer is none other than…Matt Hardy *gasp*. Yeah, kind of saw it coming and from his very first interactions with Jeff, kind of saw the results of the match coming, too. It was a decent match, but Jeff Hardy did absolutely nothing hardcore or extreme, of course. The specter of whatever contrived thing they were going to pull off to keep the title on Jeff really dampened my enjoyment of the match. And then finally, there it was. Hey, we will have Matt Hardy play angry moron. Jeff will be acting like a little bitch, like always, and stand in front of Matt, arguing with him and with his back to the ropes. Punk will slide at Jeff and Matt will obviously see Jeff move causing Punk to knock Matt back. But no, Matt will be angry at Punk and then pull the ref out as Punk is about to win then get in an argument with Punk and then quick count an easy pin for Jeff to retain. Blah, why could they not execute this better? I do not have a problem with Matt counting the win for Jeff, I think their feud is a dead end anyway. I think there were two possible outcomes of Matt Hardy’s return. Matt costs Jeff the title, they have a huge match at say Hell in the Cell, Jeff gets hurt, and then Jeff takes some time off. Or they reconcile, Punk hurts Jeff, then Matt and Punk feud for the title. After Matt leaves the ring, Punk brutalizes Jeff again and it is great just like last weeks. Then Teddy Long makes them a rematch for “Summerfest” in a TLC match. this could go a lot of different ways but I don’t know how many of them are satisfying. If Matt is going to stay heel, I think they should have the Hardys reconcile over the next couple of weeks, then Matt gets added to the TLC, and then Matt betrays Jeff there. He could even become the champion then. If Matt is turning face, they should have them both struggle with it a bit but I do not know where it should end up. I fear that it would just turn into a normal Punk/Matt Hardy feud away from the title and that would be the end of both of their main event careers. Hopefully, before Jeff takes his time off, they can move the title over to Punk while turning Matt face in a believable way. I think Matt and Punk would work a really good dynamic with Matt coming from a place that he could throw all Punk’s rhetoric back in his face.



B-

Popularity: 32% [?]

Really is this what we want?

I saw this posted on another wrestling website and I had to comment.

Business Week recently did a story on WWE using the celebrity guest hosts on Raw. When discussing the use of the celebrities, Stephanie McMahon made the following comments…

“When Donald took over we realized that our audience wanted to see something new. We have the ability to change our story line to suit whoever hosts.”

She also said that they were talking to Freddie Prinze Jr., Bob Barker and the Reverend Al Sharpton about hosting Raw in the future.

Really Stephanie McMahon? I mean really? Do you and the other higher ups at WWE really think the high ratings on a commercial free RAW were for Donald Trump? Did you guys all forget that that show was advertized heavily for a week on every show you produce as being commercial free? I know for a fact me and several other Couch Pirates tuned in to see a commercial free RAW, not to see “The Donald”.

I also know for a fact we all hate these guest hosts. We are your customers, we buy the PPV’s, we buy the shirts, we buy your video games, we go to the live local shows, we even went to Wrestlemania 25, some of us (including myself) even buy your action figures. We are the customer’s voice, why aren’t you listening?

I say this. You guys run another two hour commercial free RAW, promote the crap out of it like you did before, advertize a World Title #1 contender tournament like you did before. But this time do it without a Donald Trump or a ZZ Top, heck let a WWE GM like Teddy Long guest host. Then let the people watch and enjoy and I promise you ratings will be high. You guys missed the biggest and best gimmick for ratings you have had to date, it’s not a celebrity guest host it is commercial free television.

Popularity: 35% [?]

There was a point that I thought FOX could not come up with a better dating show. It was episode one of “The Littlest Bachelor” where a midget man tries to find a midget woman for some sweet midget lovin’. It was great TV, Who cares that they don’t have souls?

But then they surprised me with the next great dating reality show.

“More To Love”

Rah Rah Raaaarrrhhhh

A Tubby man is seeking love from one of 15 Tubby women. This is a show that has crying every 5 minutes or your money back. (before you send me any hate mail I myself am a Fatty McFat Fat which means its ok for me to call other fat people Lard-O. Theys my peeps!)

If there is one thing I as a Man Of Fatness LOVE its Fat Asses that blame their unhappiness on their weight. This show has it in spades!! Whats sad is most of these gals are attractive but they can’t get past their own pitty parties long enough to see it. Instead they cry at random moments and complain about Skinny Bitches. If they don’t wrestle in gravy before the end of the season I will be so so sad. Watch it before the People for the Ethical Treatment of Fatties puts an end to this.

Popularity: 12% [?]

I guess I will play spades and do my first op-ed piece on the current administration. Very quickly, my political views could be summed up as a staunch moderate/libertarian/centrist who has been thoroughly disenchanted with both of the major parties since before I could legally procure alcohol. I have never voted for a Bush or Clinton.

That being said, I don’t really think I was ever truly scared of a Bush or Clinton. Sure, I could run down a laundry list of things they have done that pissed me off and done irreparable damage to our nation. However, they just hadn’t sent those creepy chills of fear on anything.

That has changed with the current administration. I won’t say I cannot believe we are sitting by and watching our federation crumble into a communist oligarchy, as human nature says, “Until it affects me, fuck it. Let me grab a Hungry Man.” People, in general, aren’t worth a shit or concerned until a decision is made that derails the daily routine. There would be more of an uproar if a tornado warning that could prevent thousands from dying interrupts a football game, or heaven forbid, American Idol.

The Drudge Report posted a link to video that shows undeniable proof that President Obama would like to phase out private medical insurance and move to a single-payer universal health care system administrated by the government.

Do you really want a trip to the doctor to be like the DMV?

I digress.

Here’s the link. Watch for yourself. 1:52 well spent.

Today, a story broke that was essentially the White House press department running damage control for the aforementioned video. In it, they attempt to dispel the video Drudge linked. Like the Bandit running blocker for the Snowman, they say the video Brietbart posted is, “…taking sentences and phrases out of context, and they’re cobbling them together to leave a very false impression.”

This, the same administration, who Helen Thomas (and Chip Reid) of the White House Press Corps had to call out for the autocratic style of press conferences they hold. Helen Thomas, a loooong-time liberal/progressive herself, had been fed up with with the pre-packaged, canned events they hold under the guise of an open and free forum of ideas. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs actually had to nerve to suggest whatever questions the needed to have answered should be e-mailed the night before.

Really?

Last week, Joseph Farah of politically conservative www.wnd.com, stated in an interview that all search results to his site on the controversial subject of Obama’s birth certificate had been removed from sites like Google and Yahoo. The previous day, one could could Google “Obama’s birth certificate” and yield first page results with more than one link to the www.wnd.com.

All of a sudden, they were gone.

I might add, as of today, Google did yield ONE link back to wnd.com. At the very least, does this not raise suspicion? I mean, you might need to dust off your VHS copy of John Carepenter’s, They Live and see if you can find any parallels. Especially after watching that smug cocksucker, Robert Gibbs, pose as press secretary.

What the fuck happened to all these notions of transparency and openness the Messiah prophesied in his bid for the presidency? I hope even the most ardent of his supporters can see that was all a shell game in hindsight.

Change?

You fucking got it.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Popularity: 51% [?]

Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #4

So last issue ends with Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) popping the missing claw (that she some-how got by phasing through Wolverine) and maiming Storm across the face. Now the beginning of this issues starts with the same mysterious group of people talking about Storm being their covert agent and how Kitty Pryde has now become possibly one of the most dangerous X-Men. All because of the one claw she now possesses. Sounds crazy? I agree but here it is straight from the comic.

Female silhouette: “The biosignatures phasing through the walls suggest that it is this X-Man, Katherine ‘Kitty’ Pryde, who attacked our Agent”

Male silhouette: “Ms. Pryde? She was thought not to have any offensive capabilities.”

Female silhouette: “None were on file. However long distance spectrometry scans overlaid with body-heat telemetry of the mansion suggest a new theory.”

“Combined with the intercepted S.H.I.E.L.D. transmission regarding Wolverine’s missing claw… our working theory is that this ‘Shadowcat’ somehow now possesses Wolverine’s claw. Making her possibly one of the most dangerous X-Men.” 

So this solves an age old question of “How can you make a weak X-Man character more powerful?” Simple, you give it one of Wolverine’s claws!

Moving on, the next scene is the showdown between Storm and Kitty Pryde, there is a lot of talking and a lot of thought balloons over the next couple of pages as the two square off. Finally Storm makes her move and escapes down a secret passage that leads to the Morlock Tunnel which can take a person to Manhattan. 

While this is going on the X-Men are still stuck in the Danger Room unable to use their powers because Storm used a power dampener field on them. Know many of you that have read this asked “If they can’t use their powers, how did Kitty Pryde phase out of the room and track down Storm?” for those that asked this I turn to Chris Claremont’s brilliant writing for the answer. It’s on page 5, last panel of the page in a conversation between Rogue and Nightcrawler.

Rogue: “Can’t you teleport us, Nightcrawler?”

Nightcrawler: “No Storm activated the field dampeners! I’m stuck in here with the rest of you.”

Rogue: “Then how was Kitty able to get out?”

Nightcrawler: “Phasing versus ‘porting fraulein…Kitty’s powers aren’t affected.”

See how Uncle Chris explained that. It’s a simple case of phasing versus teleporting. Wow! Who would have thought that the same dampener field that has stymied all the other X-Men’s powers didn’t affect Kitty’s phasing, maybe she is the most dangerous X-Men of all. I could talk all day long about the bad dialog in this issue but I need to move on.

As the story continues Kitty Pryde rescues the X-Men from the Danger Room. The X-Men decide it’s best to split up the team to track down Storm with one team chasing her through the Morlock Tunnel and another heading to Manhattan. Before they leave, Jean Grey returns healed and ready for battle in a totally new costume, that I will add no even mentions. Before heading out they convince Sabretooth to play by their rules and join the team to track down Storm. He agrees since she killed his son, Wolverine, and joins Cyclops, Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde in tracking down Storm via the Morlock Tunnel. They catch up and confront Storm which leads to a fight in the tunnel. Storm attempts to drown them and manages to escape. While coming out of the tunnel she is met by what she calls “Consortium Agents”. She asks if they have been sent to retrieve her and their reply is “Not quite… we’re here to kill you.”

While all this is happening Nick Fury, Professor Xavier and Beast are trying to follow Storm via the “orbital scanner grid” where they pick up on two “Storm” signatures. Professor X instructs Rogue, Gambit, and Nightcrawler (the X-Men that were sent to Manhattan) to investigate the other signature. The signature leads them to the Brooklyn Bridge. While Gambit is dropped off to look around he is shown talking to himself until someone else answers, he turns around and… it’s a teen aged looking Storm, or as Gambit calls her “Ororo”. Gambit and Ororo embrace in a hug and the issue ends with them as targets in the crosshairs of an off panel weapon of some kind. So it looks like we have a clone Storm running around the “Claremont-verse” but which one is the real Storm?     

A simple breakdown of the issue would be as follows:

Page 1: Silhouette of people talking about their “Storm” and the changes to Kitty Pryde.

Page 2-4: Storm and Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) are at a standoff and we see that Storm has been cut across the face from Kitty’s new claw. Storm escapes down a passage that leads to the Morlock tunnel and Manhattan.

Page 5-7: X-Men stuck in Danger Room are rescued by Kitty Pryde. Fury, Prof X and Beast talk about Kitty’s new claw.

Pages 8-14: X-Men decide to split into two teams to track Storm. One goes via the tunnels, one goes to Manhattan. Cyclops convinces Sabretooth to join up with them. Jean Gray returns fully recovered and in a new uniform. Beast becomes obsessed with tracking down Storm for killing Wolverine.

Pages 15: Rogue, Nightcrawler and Gambit head to Manhattan.

Pages 16-20: Jean Grey, Cyclops, Kitty Pryde and Sabretooth head after Storm via the Morlock tunnel. Storm confronts them and tries to drown them. She eventually escapes the tunnels and is confronted by Consortium Agents who she thinks are there to retrieve her, but they are assigned to kill her. 

Pages 21-22: Rogue, Nightcrawler and Gambit go to the Brooklyn Bridge. While on the bridge Gambit is shocked to see Ororo. Yes another Storm-esque character. She hugs Gambit and says “Wolverine found me… helped me… escape…”, as they hug the issue ends with the both of them in the crosshairs of a rifle.  

So the last few weeks I really thought the book was improving but boy was I wrong this issue might be the worst of the bunch. Some of the dialog is so darn bad, it made me laugh while reading it. The artwork is also getting worse. This issue was a week behind schedule so maybe the artist can’t keep up a twice a month schedule. I am still trying to figure out why this title of all titles is coming to us twice a month. My theory is Marvel is trying to sell the retailers and reader as many books as possible before people catch up on their reading or orders and realize this comic is a hunk of poo. 

See you in two weeks for Off the Rack: X-Men Forever Edition #5

Below are some brief reviews for books from the week of July 29^th 2009.

Batman: Brave and the Bold #7 (DC)

In this issue Batman teams up with the Doom Patrol! The Mad Mod kidnaps half the Doom Patrol and its up to Batman and Beast Boy to save them. They free the remaining members and defeat the Mad Mod with ease. This comic is a great fun read and is done the same vain as the TV show, plus it’s only $2.50!

Fantastic Four #569 (Marvel)

Doom’s Master Part 4 or 4. It’s the Final Showdown between the Marquis of Death and Fantastic Four. A more powerful Dr. Doom returns to help the Fantastic Four stop the Marquis of Death. It will be interesting to see if this new more powerful Dr. Doom that Mark Millar has created will carry over to the rest of the Marvel Universe or even on to the next time the FF face him in their own book. Ben Grimm’s wedding takes place this issue, but it is Grimm that backs out at the last second; poor Thing no one will ever let him be happy.

This issue marks the end of the FF run by Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch, not a complete run of the book though if you ask me. Hitch couldn’t even pencil one panel of this last issue but have no fear Stuart Immonen did a great job on the book.  Mark Millar even let Joe Ahearne script the last couple of issues based off his story ideas. Overall their run or near run was fun and exciting but felt more like the Ultimate Fantastic Four and less like the regular 616 Marvel Universe FF we know and love. I would still recommend these stories whether in single comic form or trade paperback form to all comic fans.

Justice League of America #35 (DC)

Sad to say I almost didn’t pick up this issue. I have been a reader of the Justice League for many years now and this run of JLA has just sucked in my opinion. I didn’t enjoy the Brad Meltzer/Ed Benes reboot stories. I didn’t care for the issues by Dwayne McDuffie even though I thought I would. This issue has given me faith in this book. I really liked this issue and cannot wait (for the first time in a long time) for the next installment. Simply put: the JLA verses the Royal Flush Gang in Las Vegas, both the dialog and artwork are well done and consistent characters seemed like they acted like they should. Plus the return of… well you will have to check it out and see for yourself. For the first time during this current run I give JLA #35 two thumbs up, Thank you Len Wein and Tom Derenick! 

New Avengers #55 (Marvel)

The New Avengers are facing the Hood and his gang of villains once again. This time the Avengers retreat to fight another day. Tension begins to rise in the Hood’s gang of villains as some are tired of taking orders from the Hood. While at New Avengers headquarters (Bucky Captain America place) the team starts to wear out their welcome with Bucky Cap; the place is a mess and the team is starting to fight amongst themselves about what they should do with Norman Osborn. Wolverine leaves the team to head out to San Francisco, not sure if this is temporary or not. Near the end of the issue, the Hood’s gang of villains plant a trap for the New Avengers and by the last page it looks like they win. The rest is to be continued. Stuart Immonen (that guy again) becomes the new regular artist on New Avengers book in this issue.

Popularity: 21% [?]

RAW was a little interesting tonight; weird but one of the better ones in a long time. The “wrestling show” was good but the guest host stunk for almost the entire show. They started to set up the the MVP and Swagger feud that will hopefully propel them both into stardom. MVP came out and rescued Evan Borne from a beatdown after his match with Swagger. The wrestling in the match was good but it was the squash match everyone expected last week. There was another excruciating Divas’ tag match, this time Mickie James & Gail Kim vs Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall. Presumably, this will set up a program between Mickie and Beth for the title. Next was the surprisingly interesting Legacy vs HHH handicap match. I was watching it thinking, they are just going to have HHH go “Huntor the Destroyer” and win this but they should finally really push Rhodes and DiBiase with a good win. Low and behold, they booked this match exactly the way I would have. Especially since at the beginning of the match, the wife asked what HBK has been up to and I said he would be back in about 5 and half minutes. And then at the end, HHH slips into his DX persona and tells them he is going to make a phone call. This was a little trite since I was hopeful they would run Legacy beating HHH for a couple of months and then Shawn Micheals coming back at a PPV to help him. But then later they had another good segment where “Micheals” hung up on HHH. There will probably be a DX reunion at Summerslam but I would like to see HHH run solo for a bit. Here is what I would book. The rumor is that they want to turn DiBiase face and feud with Orton at some point. I would bulk up Legacy a bit with a couple or more members; Carlito and Chavo fit the theme and Swagger and Chris Masters fit the group look. When Batista comes back HHH puts a group together to battle Legacy with Batista and HBK. They have some kind of big confrontation at a PPV, and DiBiase reveals himself to be part of the group, thus forming a new Evolution to feud with Legacy. Mark Henry vs Chavo Guerrero was one of the disappointments of the show. Henry was seconds from facing Orton for the title last week and now he was involved in a Hornswaggle story. Also, I am pretty sure Henry tried to kill Hornswaggle at one point on ECW. The Big Show vs Kofi Kingston for the US Title was a really nice segment of the show. Kofi got to show off a bit, they got to put the Big Show over some more since they have spent months crapping on him, and Jericho got to make an appearance at the announce table. The disqualification finish was a nice way to keep the strap on an up and comer. The main event was a Lumberjack match between Cena and The Miz, and with The Miz being banned from RAW with a loss. The match was so-so but the best thing was the heel turn by Jeremy Piven. I was thinking that he may have should have been a heel the whole time, because he was almost as bad as ZZ Top the rest of the show. Randy should have intimidated him much earlier in the show. Also, they only surrounded the three sides of the ring, so I am pretty sure it wasn’t really much of a Lumberjack penalty. So I guess The Miz is banned from RAW. Maybe Piven should be banned, because at least The Miz can remember his lines.

RAW Guest Host Rankings
1. Ted DiBiase
2. Shaq
3. Seth Green
4. Batista
5. Jeremy Piven
6. ZZ Top
7. Donald Trump

Sgt. Slaughter is next week. We will see, former wrestlers are 50/50 so far.

Popularity: 49% [?]

Ring of Honor is an interesting promotion that doesn’t really seem to have an identity yet. They have this neat Code of Honor thing with is a company mandate for good sportsmanship and turns out to be another clever plot device for heels to use. Sometimes they have shows like this, which are full of tight, fast-paced wrestling annd youthful vibrant stars and then others where they only showcase pot and hill billy gimmick wrestlers. One thing I realized tonight, as they picked up some plots introduced weeks ago, was that despite the fast paced, modern feel of RoH, it is in fact a lot like the wrestling most of us grew up with. Here is what I mean. The other day I was watching the 1988 Royal Rumble, truly terrible by the way. Then I decided to pop in the 1989 Royal Rumble, a great improvement in production value and pace; you could already see the money and popularity impact from the Ultimate Warrior, Hulkamania and Randy Savage. But they had almost the same story lines still going between these two events. See, they didn’t have 20 hours of wrestling a week bakc then and they did not burn through feuds and plot devices. RoH has the same amount of TV time as the old days, if not less. So they tend to have a very methodical way of advancing their stories and giving guys pushes. The negative to this is you might get caught some weeks with absolutely no personalities you care about. But it is a good experiment anyway when TNA will inevitably get a second show and Vince is already shopping a fifth show to shareholders and networks.



Ring of Honor 08/01/09



The show started out with some recaps of the Tyler Black/Brian Danielson rivalry. They have put on some good matches and have some real talent in most arenas of the business. Danielson is a Shawn Michaels protege and recently lost a #1 contenders match to Black. Black has briefly appeared in TNA before but his time there was not significant. He had a little back and forth with Austin Aries and Nigel McGuinness, the two top guys in the company from what I can tell. Nigel has been injured so I have seen very little ring work from his, but his mic skills and charisma are very solid. Aries spent a lot of time in TNA but some personality conflicts kept him from getting consistent pushes. I think he is the most talented wrestler in RoH but he is way too small to ever get a WWE push. However, his ring skills, mic skills and the ability to play either heel or face makes him a real talent in my book. Aries is the current champ and Nigel is champion once removed, with their reigns interrupted by an ill conceived Jerry Lynn title reign. Who the f would care about that? They did a good job putting Black over and running him down at the same time. I loved Black’s ring skills so far and his size is about the lower limit I think a big company would push. Nigel is a little bigger and I would love to see him give a serious go at one of the big boys. I love the cocky British heels after all and he is better than all but William Regal I have seen recently. There was a tag match between Rhett Titus and Kenny King, basically playing the clown role in stripper personas, versus Kenny Omega and Eric Stevens, plain young wrestlers. King and Titus play the heel tag role to a tee and I really enjoy their matches so far. They remind me of how clownish and goofy Edge and Christian could get sometimes. In fact, Titus favors the “midnight pushup” pinning position that Edge used for some time. Omega and Stevens both have pretty impressive in ring skills, however, I have not been impressed at all with their mic skills. But Omega especially seems to have some appeal to the fans. Next is one of the RoH talents that seems like a complete waste of roster space, Eddie Kingston. He seems to get some good crowd reaction but I think that is because he is trying to present himself as Stone Cold in a Bronx thug package. Unfortunately, he is not nearly as exciting as SC in or out of the ring. He squashed some 150 lb kid named Orange Cassidy(?) and Kingston looks like if he were actually in shaped he would weigh about the same. One thing about Stone Cold, even when he couldn’t walk he was in pretty damn good physical condition, not Rock or HHH condition but still at least healthy looking. The main event was a three way between Roderick Strong, who has some TNA experience, Jay Briscoe, a barely literate gold ol’ boy, and the ever popular but underused D’Lo Brown. Everybody knows D”lo and he is pretty much the same we all know him to be. I really hope Jay Briscoe is completely a character because if his unmasterful use of the english language is real, then he is a total indictment of the human race. I have always enjoyed his ring skills, however. I just don’t know where his character is going and if he has genuine draw. I have never been impressed with Strong in anyway, being a TNA cast off. I thing his mic skills are weak at best and nothing he ever did in the ring really struck home. I will say that he really showed some good moves tonight thought. I look forward to giving him another shot.



PS



The Brian Kendrick was released from the WWE on the 31st of July. Man, I always thought this kid had a lot of potential. He was small but he had all the skills and the pedigree of being Shawn Michaels trained. But alas his tale should be taken to heart by all the little tykes out their. It is rumored he failed every test his was given for pot and now joins the ranks of RVD, Sabu, and Umaga just to name a few. The stories go the company was very interested in pushing him, they just didn’t want to take the drug risk and he was combative to stopping. So pot may be pretty sociably acceptable but it is still illegal and everyone gets caught for pot, unlike the maskability of a lot of PEDs. It is just a shame that this guy threw his career away for his addiction. Ask Scott Hall about missed opportunities, man.

Popularity: 49% [?]

Smackdown
The show was a little slower than I have become accustomed to in the past couple of months. And honestly, I was disappointed for most of the show. They finally lined up the feud between Jericho/Big Show and Cryme Tyme that they have been alluding to for some while. I think some good fruit can come of this tree but in order to keep interest in the Unified Tag Championships they are going to have to start including some other angles for 3 or more teams competing. The Women’s division is pretty much inadequate outside of Melina but they are doing their best to put the Undertaker’s woman, Michele McCool over now. I wish we could see more Layla but outside of being super hot she really has no reason to be in wrestling. We can call her the UK-Maryse. Well, that may be harsh, she does have more mic and ring talent than Maryse. They have absolutely no idea what they are doing with Kane and the Great Khali and it shows. I love that Michael Hayes knows exactly how to book all these mid-size and smaller wrestlers but in the VKM valet-less world Hayes does not know what to with big men that do not have a Mr Fugi, or Bobby Heenan, or Jimmy Hart. Did you know that they did not use Kane for months? Freaking Kane, man. A pillar of the WWE for as long as I can remember and they have no idea what to do with him. The other point of interest outside of the Main Event was the Mysterio/Finley vs Ziggler/Knox match. Mysterio is a shirt seller and I love the way they have been using him since he gained the Intercontinental Title and came to Smackdown. Finley was someone I paid attention to until they bogged his entire persona down in the Hornswaggle storyline. Ziggler is one of the fastest moving up and comers in the business and only politics can keep him down. JR has been trying to put Knox over for a year now and I agree that there is a lot of potential there. He just has a new-Gene Snitsky feel to him. Talk about a guy who needs a Mr Fuji. I thought the match was one of the more entertaining of the night and Mysterio got the pinfall in a little bit different way. However, I would still like to see them be more creative with his finishes. I can only see a 619 so many hundreds of times before it gets old. And here is another Mysterio land mine they need to avoid. Back in the WCW days, before he was unmasked but they wanted to push him as a giant killer, he had this gimmick where he could counter any powerbomb. This was fine when he was feuding with Kevin Nash, because that was Nash’s finisher. They would lift him up on their shoulders and then he would end up in a reverse electric chair position, wail away on them, and then they would fall to get pinned. This would suck when some wrestler that never ever uses a powerbomb would all of sudden attempt one so Rey could hit his spot. This is when I became skeptical of Rey’s usefulness in a main event capacity and I have seen some sign of this in the WWE. I would warn to stay away from it, the break in his opponent’s personality is not worth Mysterio hitting every single spot. Finally the only thing to talk about is the main event, Morrison vs Champion Jeffy Hardy for the title and the events after the match. This match started out at a very slow pace as these types of flier vs flier matches often do so that they defy your immediate expectations. I have been a little down on Jeff Hardy recently and I continue to be after this match. I know he may be a little burned out and ready to take some time off but they gave you the title back for God’s sake. Show a little effort. I have liked the new Hardy attitude, don’t get me wrong, the face paint, the new outfits, the edgy craziness. But I don’t like the new Jeff Hardy in the ring. Like RVD before him, there is no use for this guy in the main event if he does not live up to his extreme reputation. I know they don’t want to jump off something high every time they wrestle but if that is what they have built their career on they need to innovate something exciting every time out. If he is going to continue to win matches only hitting mundane spots, then he needs to change his persona to fit this safe, suit-wearing personality. On the other hand, John Morrison completely upstaged Hardy in the ring. I don’t really buy his mic skills. I don’t know if he can pass as a face. He just looks like he is a dick in real life. But in the ring, this guy has been dynamite. He does all kinds of moves using the ropes, and it is just not one or two rote spots like Hardy and Mysterio have come to do. Yeah, he has his finisher, Starship Pain, which is a split-legged corkscrew moonsault that I have never seen anyone else do. But he also does all kinds of other maneuvers off the bottom, middle, AND top ropes. In addition to that he also re-broke out the STANDING shooting star press. That move is awesome from the top rope and I loved it when he used it before. I hope he continues to use it in big matches. So the match turned out to be really good at the end but it finished with Hardy hitting a trite Swanton Bomb and then they decide Morrison gets to save face by kicking out of the first one. So Hardy hits him with another unexciting Twist of Fate, and then another ineffectual Swanton Bomb for the win. Sorry, but the Swanton off the top rope just isn’t exciting when Evan Borne is hitting Shooting Star presses, Morrison is hitting StANDING shooting star presses, and Ring of Honor has a very heavy man, Kevin Steen, hitting Frogsplashes and Moonsualts. Up your game Jeff or you will just be a guy that got a push because kids with bad parents buy your shirts. Proceeding the match, CM Punk came out and absolutely brutalized Hardy. Hardy bled but did not have time to blade so he took a genuine cut. It was vicious, it was uncalled for, and it was great. It looks like Smackdown has a real quality heel to replace Edge, for the time being.

PS: Lets talk about Edge for a minute. He is injured for 9 months and has his career threatened because the wrestlers are forced to participate in bull shit house shows. Those backwards, non-televised shows are a pox on the WWE. They can’t make any money and even if they do, that amount cannot possibly overcome the representative profit the company loses when a superstar gets injured at one, which is often, or the number of years they shave off a career. I understand that they need some time to work on matches and plot what is going to happen, but Edge wasn’t even wrestling someone he was involved with. They need to set up a central location where they all live and work on matches during the week. That way the wrestlers don’t need to be on the road all the time, they can come home to see their families, and everyone can get a rest that will extend their careers in the short term and long term. Imagine Vince, that you had done this 15 years ago and you got to have Stone Cold for lets say 5 more years. You have the internet to sell merchandise and huge tv deals so you don’t have to promote locally anymore. Join the 21st century and start providing some amenities for your employees. They are the product and they sell the product, stop treating a billion dollar business like it is a tent at the state fair.

Popularity: 50% [?]