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Archive for the ‘Pump’ Category

The Producer. The Moocher. The Looter.

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On December - 27 - 2009
Oh Lawds!  I has a Blackberry and a free meal!

Oh Lawds! I has a Blackberry and a free meal!

In this country, we can all be put into one of three categories in terms of one’s personal contribution. You’re either a producer, a looter, or a moocher. Let us define the terms and let you figure out where you stand. For the record, I cannot claim the producer/moocher/looter notion. I will claim the solution for said problems, however.

The Producer.

The Producer is an individual who is employed, if both able and willing. Times are tough for many that are out of work. The producer may be out of work, but is actively seeking employment and not enjoying a minute of not earning a living. The producer’s children have never taken a bite of a free breakfast or lunch at school without the producer doing everything they could to quickly end the embarrassment and personal shame for having done so. They have never had their child’s daycare subsidized. They have never gone on food stamps with the intention of it becoming a lifestyle. They probably decided to get a second/third job or sold off things they don’t need to survive. The producer’s numbers are dwindling.

The Moocher.

The moocher is the person in front of you at the grocery store with expensive footwear and/or a designer purse trying to refinance an Escalade. They feel like free meals for their *many* children at school is a birthright. They work sparingly, if at all. If subsidized housing is available, they’re in it. Nothing is their fault if you ask them. They might have tried to go to college, but it won’t be on their dime. The world owes them a living because they simply cannot help themselves without having to suffer the indignity of missing Maury Povich.

The Looter.

The looter is the smallest portion of the three, but is the most important piece of this puzzle as far as the process being able to continue. Quite simply, the looter is the elected and/or appointed officials in our government who facilitate the looting of the producer’s wages and give them to the moocher. We can quibble about what percentage of this and that goes to what government entity, but the fact is people that refuse to work and stop having children in the name of personal responsibility have no reason to stop so long as the looter continues to reward said behaviors.

My solution? Weighted disenfranchisement.

What?

If you were a moocher and knew which politicians/looters support continued looting from the producers, you would vote for the looters who could give you biggest slice of the producer’s pie. In other words, you would effectively vote yourself a pay raise.

Less work + More money = Helluva deal!

Here’s how we could put a stop the bleeding. We need to diminish the amount each moocher’s vote counts. The perfect vote would equal 1.0 votes. This is a person who works and pays taxes (on time) and does not milk the government/producer of entitlements. I’m not talking about standard things like street lights, national defense and city parks. Everyone enjoys those perks.

Everyone starts with 1.0 votes and is subject to losing a percentage of their vote.

Here’s a few suggestions…

If you are on either food stamps, WIC, subsidized daycare, subsidized housing, welfare, dependent health/dental care for more than 20% of a year’s time, then your vote goes to 0.5%.

For every child you have beyond one, deduct an additional 0.1%. This does not apply solely to the (mostly) women stuck raising these children, if it has been determined you have fathered any children in said situation(s), you will receive an equal penalty to that of your former partner no matter how many children they have. However, if you are financially and morally capable (clean rap sheet), you will have the right to gain custody away from the irresponsible party who has your child. After all, ovaries provide no guarantee of superior parenting abilities.

There are exceptions… If you are a legal guardian of a child/children you did not produce and have been charged with their care due to you being a responsible individual, you would be exempt from penalty. Hey, it ain’t your fault your a good person. I would also provide full to partial exceptions to those disabled by non-preventable disease and/or conditions. Example: breast cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, leukemia. Retired individuals would be exempted based on if they worked or were part of a household that didn’t abuse the entitlement system prior to reaching retirement age.

We’ve got to do something to obstruct the cycle of dependency in this country. We’re on a slippery slope, and if we don’t get some tread under our feet soon, we’re gonna slide to a place from which we may never be able to get our asses unstuck. Let’s put a HUGE dent in the looter’s ability to provide a payroll to the moochers.

I hope that somewhere, Atlas is shrugging in agreement.

Popularity: 2% [?]

The Best Day I Ever Had

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On September - 16 - 2009

waldoI haven’t really posted anything lately. Had I not been busy being lazy, I would/should have posted something about how it’s awesome that Uncle Teddy died. Maybe I could mentioned how ACORN has been figuring out ways to get prostitutes home loans so they can bring underage illegal aliens to work in makeshift brothels.

No, I will simply talk about the most fun I’ve had in one single day.

In about 2002 I met a girl I had messed around with was then the recent past. She probably would have liked to date, but since I don’t like spending money on broads that option was off the table. I met her at her job, followed her to house. Upon arrival, I banged her. I then took a shower and was close to leaving when she suggested getting something to eat.

At this point I figured it would be OK to get something, as long as it involved a drive-thru. She wasn’t all that great looking, but she allowed me to stick my penis in her, which is a quality I greatly value in a woman. She drove, and insisted on paying.

Hard to argue with that logic.

Upon the return to her place (never do it at your own place unless you have a temporary residence), we ate what we had ordered. Then, I banged her again, left, and never talked to her in person again. It worked out for both of us.

It was awesome.

This video has nothing to do with that story, but it’s amazing. Watch it once, then watch it again and you’ll see that it gets better as you learn the dance and some of the lyrics he’s singing.

Popularity: 4% [?]

E-Fucking-Nough.

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On August - 4 - 2009

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I guess I will play spades and do my first op-ed piece on the current administration. Very quickly, my political views could be summed up as a staunch moderate/libertarian/centrist who has been thoroughly disenchanted with both of the major parties since before I could legally procure alcohol. I have never voted for a Bush or Clinton.

That being said, I don’t really think I was ever truly scared of a Bush or Clinton. Sure, I could run down a laundry list of things they have done that pissed me off and done irreparable damage to our nation. However, they just hadn’t sent those creepy chills of fear on anything.

That has changed with the current administration. I won’t say I cannot believe we are sitting by and watching our federation crumble into a communist oligarchy, as human nature says, “Until it affects me, fuck it. Let me grab a Hungry Man.” People, in general, aren’t worth a shit or concerned until a decision is made that derails the daily routine. There would be more of an uproar if a tornado warning that could prevent thousands from dying interrupts a football game, or heaven forbid, American Idol.

The Drudge Report posted a link to video that shows undeniable proof that President Obama would like to phase out private medical insurance and move to a single-payer universal health care system administrated by the government.

Do you really want a trip to the doctor to be like the DMV?

I digress.

Here’s the link. Watch for yourself. 1:52 well spent.

Today, a story broke that was essentially the White House press department running damage control for the aforementioned video. In it, they attempt to dispel the video Drudge linked. Like the Bandit running blocker for the Snowman, they say the video Brietbart posted is, “…taking sentences and phrases out of context, and they’re cobbling them together to leave a very false impression.”

This, the same administration, who Helen Thomas (and Chip Reid) of the White House Press Corps had to call out for the autocratic style of press conferences they hold. Helen Thomas, a loooong-time liberal/progressive herself, had been fed up with with the pre-packaged, canned events they hold under the guise of an open and free forum of ideas. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs actually had to nerve to suggest whatever questions the needed to have answered should be e-mailed the night before.

Really?

Last week, Joseph Farah of politically conservative www.wnd.com, stated in an interview that all search results to his site on the controversial subject of Obama’s birth certificate had been removed from sites like Google and Yahoo. The previous day, one could could Google “Obama’s birth certificate” and yield first page results with more than one link to the www.wnd.com.

All of a sudden, they were gone.

I might add, as of today, Google did yield ONE link back to wnd.com. At the very least, does this not raise suspicion? I mean, you might need to dust off your VHS copy of John Carepenter’s, They Live and see if you can find any parallels. Especially after watching that smug cocksucker, Robert Gibbs, pose as press secretary.

What the fuck happened to all these notions of transparency and openness the Messiah prophesied in his bid for the presidency? I hope even the most ardent of his supporters can see that was all a shell game in hindsight.

Change?

You fucking got it.

Popularity: 12% [?]

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On June - 23 - 2009

I found this little gem I saved from about 4 years back…

And no, none of the Kristal/Crytsals I’m currently friends with are any of the parties in question.

See if you can guess which one I am!

maladroit2: i miss you
Kristal: lol
maladroit2: *sniff*
Kristal: how have you been?
maladroit2: busy
maladroit2: and lazy
maladroit2: all at the same time
Kristal: well… now that’s a feat… lol
maladroit2: busy last week
maladroit2: lazy this weekend
maladroit2: also
Kristal: i’ve been busy all week, and all day yesterday… i’m going to stay in today
maladroit2: I’ve decided that wanting to marry you was maybe a bad idea
maladroit2: and that we should definitely reconsider
Kristal: lol
Kristal: okay… i’ll have to think about that and get back to you
maladroit2: please
maladroit2: cook me something
maladroit2: I want some breakfast
Kristal: it might be faster for you to run down to McD’s
maladroit2: well, I’d let you deliver
maladroit2: it would be fine
maladroit2: we can make out, then you can take off when football starts
Kristal: nope… i’m not going out today
maladroit2: hahahahaha
Kristal: good luck finding another girl to ‘meet your needs’… lol
maladroit2: no
maladroit2: you can do it
maladroit2: I believe in you
Kristal: yeah… but i don’t want to… i think you are going to have to find a very young girl that will take whatever she can get… lol
maladroit2: nah
maladroit2: ones with kids work too
maladroit2: all about desperation
maladroit2: hehe
Kristal: yeah… but you aren’t offering much… you might need a girl that’s desperate
maladroit2: i’m not offering anything
Kristal: exactly
Kristal: LOL
maladroit2: that’s the whole plan
Kristal: silly
maladroit2: wish it were legal to rent women…
maladroit2: that would end marriage in the US
Kristal: hmmm
maladroit2: except for Mormons maybe
maladroit2: but no other guy would do it
Kristal: i don’t agree with you
maladroit2: why?
maladroit2: why would a man want to get married if he could rent with no commitment?
maladroit2: maybe crazy religious people
maladroit2: but not a regular guy for sure
Kristal: i just don’t agree… there are men out there that actually love a woman and what to spend their life with them
maladroit2: haha
maladroit2: yes, Mormons
maladroit2: I know
maladroit2: I could see dating perhaps continuing
maladroit2: but when they see that renting and dating are the same price
maladroit2: that would end that too
maladroit2: women could rent too, not only men renting women
Kristal: damn… that’s a really shitty thing to say…
maladroit2: I want it to be fair
maladroit2: men shouldn’t be the only ones
Kristal: whatever… i’m not enjoying this conversation
maladroit2: it’s ok
maladroit2: I’m a progressive thinker
maladroit2: k then
maladroit2: I’m gonna eat some ham and watch a little porno
maladroit2: check you later
Kristal: bye
maladroit2: bye babe ;)

Popularity: 23% [?]

Things That Have Pissed Me Off Recently

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On May - 23 - 2009

Some of the piss and vinegar I had planned on unloading here has left my system after the most pleasant trip to the grocery store in recent memory. I did NOT get behind an idiot attempting to refinance their Escalade via food stamps for the first time in a LONG time. That was a very pleasant experience.

In other news, how many people caught the NYPD’s dismantling of a terror plot by home grown terrorists (note: not suspects in my book)? This was while Homeland Security director, Janet “Shit-Between-the-Ears” Napolitano, was busy trying to wiretap and vilify returning U.S. servicemen and women. They’re the real problems in America, not MS-13 or racist Hispanic street gangs in L.A. trying to assassinate black people. Not that you’d hear that on MSNBC… We’re talking about assfucks who were actively plotting to blow up synagogues in New York, as perhaps bigger assfucks are trying to figure out ways to use global warming as a pawn to slowly take away your freedoms, one by one.

Let me clarify, New York synagogues (and who knows what/who else) were saved by law enforcement officials at the state and local level while the feds are busy trying to convince you that the Army staff sergeant down the street is somehow plotting to murder your family. It’s like we’ve fallen down the fucking rabbit hole here, and Alice has decided to let the Mad Hatter do as he pleases.

Moving on, when the stock market collapsed during Reagan’s tenure, he did nothing. But, that was exactly what needed to be done.

Nothing.

Reagan let the market fix itself, like our government SHOULD have done. Only 6% of all the recent bailout funds that came out of the David Copperfield-like appropriation acts have been knowingly spent. Out of that 6%, you can bet close to 100% has zero accountability or oversight as Timmy Geithner played the hum-haw act as to who got what out the deal. The TARP money banks had accepted (forced upon?), has been refused when offered to be given back to the feds. Presumably, this is so the gov’t can take their institutions over. You got a better reason?

Lastly, on a personal note… About 3-4 students (not sure of the count) joined our school this week. Our immediate school boundaries include at least one homeless shelter, and they just rolled in to town. The children do not necessarily resemble each other, likely meaning its a garden variety of fathers present in creation of said children. I could be wrong, but common sense tells me different. Upon learning of a few more details, it turns out there are five children in the family presently. Additionally, there in as infant.

Again… A FUCKING I-N-F-A-N-T!!!

I just about shot through the first and second floor right on into the great beyond when I heard this. The first thing that came to mind after trying to figure out if I could get away with cauterizing a set of ovaries with a fireplace poker, was the thought process that goes through one’s mind after they have a child they cannot afford. Then, what goes through the mind after the clown car-like vagina goes on autopilot and shoots kids out like fucking hay baler?

All I can really say at this point is, enjoy the albino bodybuilder.

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Popularity: 20% [?]

This just in…

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On April - 16 - 2009

rudy2rudy21

I would like to bang Rudy from The Cosby Show sometime, oh… Today?

Hommina! Hommina!

She’s one of the hottest 80’s child star broads out there! Danica McKellar might be at the top, however not by much!

I think the middle girl from Full House would probably be the best in the sack. She’s used to being angry and needing a meth fix, so I figure if its still any good, it’s probably really good.

See for yourself.

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Part of me feels like borderline pedo lusting for these broads because 98% of my memories of them are them as kids. However, those mammoth milkbags on these dames are pretty good for a titty total recall job on the highest order!

Popularity: 24% [?]

Debriefed Intel

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On April - 15 - 2009

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We win.

The only tragedy is that one of these jerkoffs who’s never used toilet paper was taken alive.

I hope each one of the sniper rounds was dipped in pig blood beforehand.

Fuck. Them.

Popularity: 18% [?]

Stop the seamonkeys, NOW!

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On April - 9 - 2009

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If someone could offer me a reasonable solution as to why Somali pirates, seamonkeys if you will, are allowed to take even a breath of life after they’re captured? I cannot fathom why they are not sunk at sea and left for shark bait.

Furthermore, why are cargo ships that carry hundreds of millions of dollars worth of cargo not able to arm themselves? It’s a popcorn fart on their budget sheets to do so. It does make one somewhat hesitant to feel bad for them.

The new Navy doesn’t want to engage the pirates really. I cannot imagine any good reason why some small destroyer doesn’t get a few sharpshooters out and simultaneously remove heads from necks on the pirate vessels. Can you imagine if we were such pussies in WWII?

General Pershing? Where are you when we need a man like you?

Popularity: 25% [?]

Bingo Wings & Muffin Tops

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On April - 6 - 2009

Well, I probably spend more time than I should on the internet. In fact, I own a nice new LCD big screen television that at best, sees 3 hours a week of action. I just don’t watch it much.

That being said, whilst I do waste the overwhelming majority of the time I spend online, occasionally I do get a slight bit of personal justification for doing so. I came across a few new terms to add the ol’ personal lexicon.

Bingo Wings: The spare fat or excess skin that amasses around (stereotypically, women’s) biceps that jiggles openly when wearing sleeveless clothing.

bingowings_171534a

muffin-top21Muffin Tops: The belly fat rollover that occurs when larger folk wear tight(er) pants and don’t wear a shirt or top that will mercifully cover it.

I may have a nice-sized belly, but I’m certain that before I leave home that I’m not wearing half-shirt. The rest of you should only be so courteous.

Popularity: 23% [?]

Back? Yes. This time, I’m bald and fat.

Posted by Couch Pirate Pump On April - 1 - 2009

I was just fat before.

No big manifest as of yet. I’m just posting for the sake of getting a touch of content online.

I made the mistake of going to the local grocery store today to pick up a gallon of milk.

*note to self*
N-E-V-E-R let yourself go to the grocery store without checking the calendar. It’s the 1st, and the grocery grabbing bandits were out and they were THICK.

Fortunately, a kind soul that worked there tapped me on the shoulder as she walked by and informed I could simply go to the tobacco counter since I had only the milk. I was mostly relieved, but I must admit I get a sick drive-by-the-crash-and-have-to-look thrill by seeing if people pay with access cards (plastic food stamps, which apparently come invisibly tethered to Nike Shox and BlackBerry phones) if I guess they’re on the dole.

I rarely miss.

Next time, I’ll go to Braum’s where the milk is better anyway.welfare_queen

Popularity: 21% [?]

Series of Pump’s Text Messages

Posted by Couch Pirate Kevin On March - 29 - 2009

lopan1Pump sends text messages to me (and most of the other Couch Pirates) that are… unusual.  This was a series of texts I got over the course of a couple of weeks…

“I’m not sure anymore… We have to make the drop!  The Chinese are getting suspicious! On Wednesday the eagle flies.”

“Don’t forget about the man we have to see.  Beijing will have to wait.  Tread lightly, or we could be in trouble.”

“Mother of God… The Turks know!  We have to make a move TONIGHT!”

“Alright, we’ve got it.  We hitch the redeye to Singapore tonight and meet Lo-Pan.  He’s got our package”

“Thank God you were there.  Lo-Pan won’t make anymore deliveries, will he?  You’ve become one with your sword, my friend.”

“Frank, I thought things were cool.  I need you to ‘host a BBQ for our friend, Horowitz.  Zurich tonight: u know what to do.”

“Well done.  Horowitz enjoyed the ‘cookout’.  From Zurich you’ll head to Osaka to stop Splinter and help the Turtles.”

Popularity: 34% [?]